MAY 2002

MAY 2002

1 May 2002

John Dean announces he'll out "Deep Throat" in June

Linda Lovelace, we learned, had just died;

Was that what made John Dean decide

To out his amigo

"Deep Throat's" alter ego--

And if so, what did she have to hide?

2 May 2002

Ridge "briefs" Senators, upstages Byrd's hearings

The Director of Homeland Security

Does not like to talk in obscurity,

And in case it seems wise

To tell a few lies

He won't swear to truth or to purity.

Ridge set up a televised "briefing"

And all of D.C. was believing

His performance was timed

With, foremost in mind,

Bob Byrd he'd be dissing and peeving.

2 May 2002

Bush snubs non-Christians at "National Day of Prayer" service

You'd think that the big Day of Prayer

Would be organized with some care--

But King George the POTUS

Says he didn't notice

That Muslims and Jews weren't there.

3 May 2002

Unemployment at 6%, highest in 8 years

To Bush, a return would be dandy

To the pre-Clinton status quo ante;

When joblessness climbs

Folks hustle for dimes

While his buddies enjoy their fine brandy.

3 May 2002

Bush lectures lawyers and law professors about judge vacancies

Distinguished professors of law

Could hardly believe what they saw!

They squirmed as Bush lectured,

And angrily hectored,

And moved lots of air with his jaw.

He repeated the old worn-out screed

That Democrats better concede

If you're president,

"Advise and consent"

Are just words of which you take no heed.

6 May 2002

Rumsfeld, not ethics, near to forcing White out

White's ethical rules violations

Did not demand his resignation

But he was a dummy

To try to block Rummy

So he needs a new job situation.

6 May 2002

U.S. pulls out of World Court

The Bushies just will not support

International Criminal Court;

They're spending their time

Perfecting war crimes

But don't want to perish by sword.

6 May 2002

Bush Bear Market continues slide

The main market indices went

Down today, 2 more percent;

Investors are betting

Prosperity's getting

Away from our faux-president.

6 May 2002

GOP using deceptive "census" envelopes in its fundraising

The GOP tries hard to seem

An invincible campaign machine;

But deceptive junk mail

Can really not fail

To make most recipients scream.

6 May 2002

INS accidently gives list of "detainees" to Congressional committee

Restructuring the INS

Means the staffers are all forced to guess--

Downsized and passed off

Or singing with Ashcroft?

To "none of above" you'd check "yes."

While waiting for boom to be lowered

You'd see nothing really untoward

In turning the sound up

On Ashcroft's big roundup

Dan Ellsberg the Second, step forward!

7 May 2002

Ashcroft, Olson argue "militia" status immaterial to 2nd Amendment

John Ashcroft's newest device is

Made for constitutional crisis;

It may be too extreme

Even for the Supremes--

Be thankful for stare decisis!

7 May 2002

Gray Davis was right!! Enron market-manipulation memo found

The smoking-gun memo's been found;

It shows Enron's plan for its pound

Of Golden State flesh:

"Elec-tri-ci-ty's mesh

Will not work if some plants we shut down."

7 May 2002

White, Powell both staying on for the time being

The rumors of quitting are false;

White will continue his calls

On Pentagon phones

For insider loans,

And Powell for Bush take more falls.

7 May 2002

Kathleen Willey's talk radio show cancelled after two weeks

In hindsight, it looks pretty silly

To base a talk show on this filly--

"Bill Clinton's a heel

For copping a feel"

Was all they got from One-Note Willey.

7 May 2002

Axis of pretty bad: Cuba, Libya, Syria

Coming soon to a TV set near ya'

Libya, Cuba and Syria;

A new bad-guy axis

'Cause what King George lacks is

A fresh dose of public hysteria.

8 May 2002

Everybody rejects White House attempt to rename "suicide" bombers

The suicide bombers, attacking

Show no intention of slacking

It's not a good time

For writing light rhyme

But worse for the White House's flacking.

8 May 2002

Thomas White ran Enron division of "smoking gun" revelations

General Thomas E. White

Made power's price soar overnight

To rape California

Of its copa-cornia

And collect lots of cash for the Right.

For White, this is strike number three;

We're collectively waiting to see

If Rumsfeld or Bush

Will give White the push

To serve "honor and dignity."

8 May 2002

Skakel--that's "Kennedy cousin Michael Skakel"--trial continues

Mike Skakel, of dubious fame

Is a pawn in the media's game--

Always "Kennedy cousin"

Which helps to slam dozens

Of Democrats bearing that name.

8 May 2002

Rumsfeld trying to eliminate Crusader artillery program

The Crusader's supporters are hustlin'

To save it from procurement's dustbin:

"We'll need it, at least

In the Middle East--

Its name shows it's made to kill Muslims."

9 May 2002

Glendening of Maryland halts all executions

Governor Parris Glendening

Stayed all executions, depending

On if he concludes

They're not racially skewed--

But they are! So the practice is ending.

9 May 2002

White House, Senate compromise on fast-track bill

After long weeks of ne-go-ti-a-tion

They've agreed upon trade legislation;

Bush's record of lies

Makes a compromise

A cand'date for repudiation.

9 May 2002

Court blocks mountaintop mining waste from streams

In Federal court the brave judge

Said, "Mines must stop dumping their sludge

In streams Appalachian

In this wanton fashion;

They're the color and texture of fudge."

10 May 2002

FEC stuffs McCain complaint against Bush backers

Anybody with half of a brain

Understands that Bush beat John McCain

With the dirtiest tricks

He could implement quick;

An effort he's clearly sustained.

10 May 2002

Pipe bomber creates new terrorist profile

Attention all teenage white males:

Go directly to John Ashcroft's jails

You match the profile

So you'll stay a while

As our guest, in a cell, without bail.

10 May 2002

Texas GOP publishes flyer in very bad Spanish

Republicans' grand invitation

Meant to break the Dems' long domination

And take the advantage

But their garbled Spanish

Lost something in the translation.

10 May 2002

Blair tells Labour Iraq action only if UN Security Council OKs

To Blair, Labour has clearly spoken:

"Brittania won't be a token

So Bush can pretend

That we are his friends

As World War III he is stokin'."

10 May 2002

Le Pen's run shows Fascists are not gone

In Bush and Le Pen we have Fascists

Emerging from Cold War's hot ashes

Xenophobia, fear

Will strip their veneer

And lead to more Third World clashes.

10 May 2002

Krugman: Will Enron memo break deregulation fever?

Proponents of deregulation

Are working on their protestation:

"Ignore Enron jerks,

Our system would work

In its perfect, complete incarnation."

In the days of the Soviet nation,

Our Marxists would scream in frustration,

"Ignore Stalin's quirks

Our system would work

In its perfect, complete incarnation."

13 May 2002

NYT Magazine fires Andrew Sullivan

The Times fired "Fifth Column" Sullivan

At the end of a long-drawn out mulligan;

He thinks it's his tuggin'

On the cape of Paul Krugman

But perhaps his "facts" checked out as null, again.

13 May 2002

Castro tells Carter he's not making bio weapons

Fidel said to James Earl Carter

"You can search high and low in our larder,

We're making no germs

That your Yankee firms

Aren't making much faster and smarter."

13 May 2002

Sears paying $1.9 billion for Lands' End

Lands' Enders will have a new straw boss

Now they they've been bought out by Sears Roebuck's;

The Sears MBAs

Have myriad ways

Of recouping those millions of sawbucks.

13 May 2002

Bush, Putin sign nuke-reduction treaty

Said Putin as he signed the treaty,

"I know that I'll soon be the cheatee--

Right after elections

I'm sure you'll renege on

Any clause for which business is greedy."

14 May 2002

Carter: Bushies said nothing about Cuban biowarfare plans

Once Jimmy had left for Havana

In the works did John Bolton throw spanner;

He said that the commies

Could make bio-bombies

With the labs full of "dual-use" arcana.

But all biological labs

From high school through pill-rolling fabs

Could be so abused,

So Bolton's "dual-use"

Was just for a cheap headline grab.

14 May 2002

"Politically Incorrect" cancelled

Bill Maher faced network decrees--

To die on feet, or live on knees;

His choice of the latter

Left honor in tatters

And he died just the same, by degrees.

14 May 2002

RNC peddling Bush 9/11 photo for campaign cash

In the pic, he's heroic and brainy

As he barks on the phone to Dick Cheney

But as we all know

The decisions flowed

From Drill Sergeant Dick to his trainee!

15 May 2002

Bush warned of hijacking plot "weeks" in advance

When George got the FBI warning

His plan was quite quick in its forming;

"I'll hang out in Crawford

'Til truces are offered

So I'm safe when the terr'ists are swarming."

Don't forget Congresswoman McKinney

Who provoked quite a whine and a whinny

From DeLay and his band

For her solo demand

For hearings on our ig-no-mi-ny.

16 May 2002

Spinmeisters rule after revelations that BUSH KNEW

The Bushies sent out Condi Rice

Who repeated it, once twice or thrice

That the warnings, horrific

Were not quite specific

Enough to give public advice.

George Bush, the man who'd be king

Came close to achieving the ring;

But today's revelations

Should halt coronation

As his cover-up's foes all take wing.

17 May 2002

Bush: I don't like to be second guessed

King George hates to be second-guessed

He'd rather see nods and be yessed;

Which is why he adores

The officer corps

And hand-picked Republican guests.

17 May 2002

Rice: We were warned about hijackers, not suicide pilots

I know that prediction is chancy,

But I, without access to fancy

Intelligence briefs

Or dropping at eaves

Knew this gambit from reading Tom Clancy.*

(Debt of Honor, 1994; Executive Orders, 1996)

18 May 2002

Dems decry offshore tax havens

"Re-in-cor-por-a-tion, Bermuda

Tempts corporate barracuda;

It's unpatriotic,

And quite idiotic

‘Cause when we get the chance, you'll be screwed-a."

A patriot must obey laws

And subsidize the eagle's claws

But the complexity

Of the Tax Code, to me

Means it's okay to exploit its flaws.

18 May 2002

Bushies still trying to suppress "what did he know" story

The Bushies are mightily spinning

They fear that the end is beginning--

"He had no relations

With Miss Information!"

But this time the truth may be winning.

There's now a way, much simplified

To warn when the terror threat's high

Check news sites to see

Is Bush in D.C.?

If so, then it's OK to fly.

19 May 2002

Drudge: Bush's pet name for Putin is "Pootie-Poot"

We hear Putin's called "Pootie-Poot"

It's funny if you've had a snoot

To call Bush sophomoric

Is too allegoric

No sophomore would be so uncout'.

19 May 2002

Albright: Bush foreign policy shows "untreated bipolar disorder"

The Bushies' disorder bipolar

Shows the lack of a forceful controller

Powell v. Perle

Is taking the world

On the mother of all coaster-rollers.

19 May 2002

Newsweek: Bush’s incoherent ramble to GOP bigwigs

Of all people, H. "Lapdog" Fineman

In his routine prop'ganda assignment

Gave us proof, as Bush ripped

That when he has no script

His thoughts are 'way out of alignment.

20 May 2002

Bush: Castro turned fun, beautiful island into a prison

King George said Fidel's communism

Has turned Cuba into a prison

Well, that may be so

But so's Guantanamo

Serving auth-or-i-tar-i-an-ism.

Bush yearns for the days of Batista

When prosperous Yanqui turistas

Hit Havana bars

For rum and cigars

And hot-blooded prostitutistas.

20 May 2002

Stephen Jay Gould dead at 60

R.I.P. Stephen Jay Gould

A good man who did all he could

To snarl defiance

At "creation 'science'"

And stop I.Q. testing for good.

20 May 2002

Cheney: Further attacks "almost a certainty"

"The future will slowly unwind

We cannot be willfully blind;

We can't tell just when

In one year, or ten

The exact date cannot be divined.

But your fear's an essential ingredient

To be used when we find it expedient;

When the Gop’s feeling hurt

We'll call an alert

To be broadcast by press corps obedient."

20 May 2002

USA Today: 52% of all car crashes occur within 5 miles of home

The USAT's front-page graphic

Says most of all accidents traffic

Are quite close to home

Is it safer to roam

And trust to your angel seraphic?

But when you look under the hood

The statistic is bogus, not good

All trips in your car

No matter how far

Have a portion in your neighborhood.

If home's where you usually drive

That's where the car crashes will thrive

So home or away

As you get through the day

On the road, stay alert, stay alive!

21 May 2002

Ridge's "color of the day" remains yellow despite terror alerts

It turns a strong man's legs into Jello

When the Bushies get ready to bellow

"The terr'ists are coming!

The terr'ists are coming!"

But the "terror alert" remains yellow.

Tom Ridge seems to be Ashcroft's dupe;

He's so damn far out of the loop

They don't even tell 'im

When they start the yellin'

'Bout "Homeland Security" poop.

The question outstanding is whether

We need to be in such a lather;

Most of the blogs

Think it's just "Wag the Dog,"

As Bush nears the end of his tether.

22 May 2002

Lieberman subpoenas White House Enron records

As the White House is coming unraveled

Joe L., as the chairman, has gavelled

The committee vote

To demand the whole tote

At which the poor Bushies have caviled.

22 May 2002

Bush admits he fled from "harm's way" on 9/11

The praise with which George has been showered

Is fast on its way to be soured;

On that "fateful day"

He fled from "harm's way"

In short, George ain't nothin' but coward.

He confessed while on German TV

Which makes the suggestion to me

That he didn't know

His remarks on the show

Would reach us here, ultimately.

22 May 2002

McCain: Failure to question government is always unpatriotic

As the Bushies look mortally ill

McCain rushes in for the kill:

"It is catastrophic

And unpatriotic

For us not to question at will."

22 May 2002

George F. Will calls for, names members of, blue-ribbon commission

Today, also, Mr. George Will

Took the day off as W's shill

To indulge in some wishin'

And "appoint" a commission

That would find Bush's guilt to be nil.

With Will, though, we have to assume

That the bigwigs with whom he's festooned

His commission roster

Were chosen to foster

A whitewash for our head buffoon.

22 May 2002

Chandra Levy's body found in Rock Creek Park

Her folks suffered more than a year

And it wrecked Gary Condit's career;

If D.C.'s inept

Cops had just stepped

Off the path, all that waste disappears!

22 May 2002

Thousands expected to protest Bush in Berlin

When Bush arrived, he headed straight

To the shrine at the Brandenburg Gate

"To see how it feels;

Like in old newsreels--

In the goosesteps of the truly great."

23 May 2002

Michigan GOP accused of running ringers in Democratic primaries

You'll find prints of GOP fingers

All over the Democrat ringers

Apolitical guys

Who put on a disguise

And run as if real left-wingers.

24 May 2002

Today is the anniversary of Jim Jeffords's party switch

One year ago Senator Jeffords

His GOP ties neatly severed;

This act of courage

Did much to discourage

Bush's "rifle the Treasury" effort.

24 May 2002

Drudge's stale rumor about Brock picked up by Post, Fox TV

The Washington Post's trust of brains

Dropped truth, ethics and self-restraint;

Matt Drudge's schlock

About David Brock

Was published sans salt, not one grain.

This unfounded stuff about Brock

Repeated by Brit Hume of Fox

Will be used to slight

"Blinded by the Right"

And David's veracity mock.

Of Brock's book, don't forget for a minute

That none of the folks who are in it

Have ever attacked

A significant fact--

They just turn up the heat to infinite.

24 May 2002

Jesse Ventura: "Patriotism is voluntary," vetoes mandatory Pledge bill

To Governor Jesse Ventura

Best known for bombast and bravura

Defied Right-wing legions:

"Requiring 'allegiance'

Is the act of a land with a Fuhrer."

24 May 2002

No one believes Bush/Cheney/Ashcroft/Ridge terror warnings

Dick Cheney's instant reaction

To suggestions of his malefaction

Is to scare all the folks

With a terrorist hoax;

It's his main "Weapon of Mass Distraction."

(I swiped this WMD coinage from the bartcop.com forum)

24 May 2002

Rumsfeld: We have no plans to invade Iraq

"I know that you think we're just bullies,

But the complex logistics formulae

For fighting Saddam

Have not yet been planned;

(But they will, once we've thought it through fully)."

"And besides that, it must be conceded

Our highest-tech arms are depleted

Our soldiers are weary

Our allies are leery

Arm-twisting and bribes will be needed."

24 May 2002

Musicians, RIAA resisting modern-day "payola" to mega-stations

The artists and RIAA

Resisting what's called "play for pay,"

Demand regulation

Of radio stations

To prevent further music decay.

24 May 2002

Bush, Putin sign nuclear arms treaty

A reduction in arms sounds quite nice

But reread the document twice;

As per the accord

The nukes can be "stored"

And from mothballs be pulled in a trice.

25 May 2002

Feds warn of terrorist scuba divers

They say they've deciphered the ciphers

And warned us of terrorist divers;

Planes, trains, and ships

Alerts seem to drip

As needed from White House connivers.

25 May 2002

Minneapolis FBI agent says supervisors gutted her Moussaoui warnings

The GOP is quite emphatic

The screw-up was just bureaucratic;

They're afraid if their role

Is not spun and controlled

Then the Congress will go Democratic.

25 May 2002

Michigan GOP admits running fakers in Democratic primaries

Deep in GOP DNA

Is a gene hating truth and fair play;

This means of election's

Darwinian selection--

Fighting fair, they just get blown away.

26 May 2002

Thousand protest Bush in Paris

Allez, enfants de votre patrie

Le jour de gloire est arrivee

Arretez le guerre

De Bush et son pere

Et des usines des Etats-Unis!

27 May 2002

Bush "tired" and/or "jet-lagged" and/or "??" at Paris news conference

Bush stood with Chirac, quite befuddled

His thoughts were all obv'yously muddled;

"Jet lag" was blamed

But suspicions remained

It's the "jet lag" that comes in a bottle.

28 May 2002

Bush to Cardoso: "Do you have blacks, too [in Brazil]?"

Bush quickly showed Mr. Cardoso

His factual knowledge was so-so;

But "Do you have blacks?"

Showed so little tact

That Bush was confirmed as a Bozo.

28 May 2002

"Tired" Bush chastises reporter for speaking French -- to Chirac

King George doesn't like it when you

Can do something he cannot do;

Just don't let it show

And he'll never know--

As usual, without a clue.

29 May 2002

Ice discovered at Martian poles

At the poles all the water was pooling

And the eco-freaks said Mars was cooling

But business-as-usual

Was thought to be crucial

So the leaders said those guys were fooling.

All at once they were right on the brink

With no time remaining to think

They'd left it too late

To remediate

And the Martians by now are extinct.

29 May 2002

More on Bush's hissy fit at David Gregory

As the guy spoke to Chirac in French

George listened, jaw set and teeth clenched

"It's quite plain to see

He's bad mouthing me!

I'll soon have him sent to the bench!"

President's ain't often coddled

Adversarial ways are well modelled

Johnson and Nixon

Truman and Clinton

All "embattled;" Bush is "embottled."

29 May 2002

King George visits the Pope

King George went to visit the Pope

To ask the Man for inside dope--

"The word on those priests

Was never released;

How'd you conceal its scope?"

29 May 2002

Mistrust of accountants, brokers dragging down Wall Street

The capital markets' collapse

May be due to the ethical lapse

Of public accounting

Which leaves us all doubting

And convinced that we've been played for saps.

29 May 2002

Russia admitted into "junior" status in NATO

In relationship straight out of Plato

The Russians have made up with NATO

No conjugal bliss

Or even a kiss

But at least no more throwing tomatoes.

29 May 2002

Surprise! Ashcroft now says no civil rights violations in Florida voting

Last week, just between me and you

Ashcroft's announcement he'd sue

Was just a head fake

In their planning to take

The elections of 2002.

29 May 2002

Wall Street Journal opposes estate-tax repeal

Great concentrations of wealth

Are bad for society's health;

We're turning the page

Back to the Gilded Age

And doing so mainly by stealth.

29 May 2002

Katherine Harris writing a book about 2000 election

Katherine's book on the Stolen Election

Will be written with great circumspection;

No tales of her web

Of connections with Jeb

Or how "felons" were picked for rejection.

30 May 2002

Feds buy back oil lease rights off Florida Gulf coast

King George did a favor for Jebby,

To trick local voters to think, "Maybe

They'll never drill,"

But we all know they will

Right after the votes of Novembie.

30 May 2002

FBI whistle-blower Wright brought forward by Judicial Watch

Judicial Watch chief, Larry Klayman

Does not seem to be quite the same man

He was in the days

Of the Great Clinton Chase

Because now, it's the Gop he is blamin'.

He asked Agent Robert G. Wright

To bring information to light

About how the A.G.

Saw to it that he

Could not stop that last terrorist flight.

30 May 2002

Ashcroft rewards FBI bungling by loosening reins

The FBI's stopped its denying

Domestic surveillance and spying;

They admit their Web searches,

Libraries, and churches

To see what you're reading and buying.

30 May 2002

Major League Baseball may crack down on steroids

Apparently all can aspire

To feats like Bonds, Sosa, McGwire

Just load up on steroids

And smack that ol' spheroid

To the stratosphere, if not yet higher.

League action beyond a "tsk, tsk,"

Puts those big longball records at risk;

Tell posterity

They weren't drug-free

With a helluva big asterisk.

30 May 2002

First phase of Ground Zero cleanup completed

They've cleaned up the site of Ground Zero

With a fitting goodbye to its heroes

As Abe Lincoln said

To honor the dead

We must guard against modern-day Neros.

30 May 2002

R.I.P. Mildred Wirt Benson, a/k/a Carolyn Keene

When Mildred Wirt Benson began

A detective was boy, or was man;

She and Nancy Drew

Showed that girls could be sleuths

And for four generations, still can.

31 May 2002

State Department advises Americans to leave India

For the fifty-five years since Partition

They've been walking the road to perdition

They'll accelerate

And crash through its gates

In a big glow of nuclear fission.