MARCH 2002

MARCH 2002

1 Mar 2002

Armey: let's "guarantee" SSAN payments as we privatize the system

As Soc' Security they're understockin',

To keep all the old folks from squawkin'

Armey wants to decree

Uncle Sam's guarantee

That the flow of the checks won't be broken.

I wonder how long Armey thought;

'Bout this swindle, deception and fraud;

Uncle Sam can retract

These so-called "contracts"

Just by passing a repealing law.

4 Mar 2002

Confirmed: Secret Service agents in bar brawl in San Diego

You'd think that providing protection

Would mean that they'd show circumspection;

But just like their boss

They transcend the laws;

I'll bet they endure no correction.

4 Mar 2002

Proof of identity rule may kill election reform bill

Identity verification

Is crucial at the polling station;

But when purging "felons"

There just ain't no tellin'--

Purge all with the same appellation.

4 Mar 2002

Ridge won't testify before Senate

The senators now have a beef

With the Homeland Security Chief--

They want to ask questions

About top-secret bastions

Where the bureaucrats played hide-and-seek.

The senators were not consulted;

Both parties are feeling insulted

The Bush monarchy

Dissed them all, equally--

"Unite, not divide" has resulted.

4 Mar 2002

GAO finds 1997 anti-missile test fudged; DoD says findings are outdated

The DoD shouldn't be judged

On the tests GAO says were fudged;

"The results are quite clear

From the tests from last year

That our missile defense can't be dodged."

"Then please give us info complete

To audit last year's splendid feat."

"Sorry, we regret

To say it's Top Secret

And will be 'til it's obsolete."

4 Mar 2002

Another table-top fusion claim

They say they've got nuclear fusion

Bottled up in a simple solution;

We've heard this before;

I'm guessing it's more

Media hype and confusion.

5 Mar 2002

Bush imposes 30% tariff on steel imports

We'll all soon be bearing a share of

The cost of the new steel tariff;

Senile mills

Get not-so-cheap thrills

While Bush gets the credit thereof.

5 Mar 2002

"Let the Eagle Soar" heading straight for remainder bin

John Ashcroft's demanding his staffers

Fill the hall with strong voice to the rafters--

They must sing along

To Ashcroft's new song--

And confine to their sleeves all their laughter.

5 Mar 2002

Fleischer: "Appropriate people" in Congress knew of shadow gov't

The "appropriate people" in Congress

Shared in the secrets of egress

If you thought for a minute

That the Dem'crats were in it

Then brother, did you make the wrong guess.

The plan was in place, and rehearsed

In case worse had come to the worst,

When time came to call out,

And hide from the fallout

The plan was "Republicans First."

6 Mar 2002

Bush caught lying -- was partners with Enron, Lay in 1986

Oh my, oh oh my, oh oh my!

Did Georgie get caught in a lie?

In 1986

In the Panhandle sticks

He and Ken-Boy had partnership ties.

But in nineteen-and-ninety-four

Karen Hughes made the past a locked door;

"Bush didn't know Lay!

Before yesterday!

Shut up 'else I give you what for!"

6 Mar 2002

Robert Ray says he had plenty on Clinton

Robert Ray's final report

Says he could have, as final resort

Obtained an indictment

And stirred up excitement

Trying Bill for obstructing the courts.

But indictments are easy to get;

A grand jury's the pros'cutor's pet

If D.A. says it's right

They jump to indict

And then say, "Can we go home yet?"

Moreover, we know Bobby Ray

Cut a deal on Clinton's last day;

No way Clinton would

Unless Ray had the goods;

So why the headlines repeated today?

6 Mar 2002

Bush defends Pickering

King George says that he thinks the Dems

For part'san political ends

Are stalling the hearings

And unfairly smearing

Judge Pickering, black people's friend.

Me, I think George and his friends

For part'san political ends

Have party hack racist

Chosen on the basis

Of lists drawn in Right-Wingers' dens.

6 Mar 2002

Simon beats Riordan in California, faces Davis in the fall

The primary test was a weird 'un,

Bill Simon defeated Dick Riordan;

But although William Simon

Has poll numbers climbin'

He's 'way too far Right to be feared 'un.

6 Mar 2002

Bush flip-flops on minimum wage for workfare

Bush's workfare plan would have required

That when eligibil'ty's expired

You work for a stage

At sub-minimum wage

'Til in private sector you're hired.

Bush has now flipped, and he's flopped

He hopes the bad press has been stopped;

But we've seen his true colors

Ugly, uncovered--

"Compassionate" a la the Gop.

7 March 2002

Safire, Will both slam Bush in today's columns

Will and Safire mock and torpedo

George's cave-in on free-market credo;

Big tariffs reveal

His free-market zeal

Is firm as linguine alfredo.

7 March 2002

Hastert caves on tax breaks, House passes stimulus bill

As we're climbing up out of recession

The House, in a triumphant session

Approved a fine bill

Its sponsors say will

Give stimulus, after a fashion.

For people, when working you're not

You'll get more checks than you had thought;

For business, a write-off

Of costs that they bite off;

And a few scraps to sweeten the pot.

8 March 2002

Fred Thompson to leave Senate after all

Fred Thompson says he must be going

He can't stay, he'll just say that he's going

He's glad that he came

But still, just the same. . .

"I'll stay for the party you're throwing."

9 Mar 2002

DoD has new plan to make nukes more versatile, easy to use

It's advice out of the Pentateuch;

Eye for eye, tooth for tooth, plague for nuke;

Some acts are so vile

That there's no time for trial

Our missiles will give our rebuke.

But won't fallout and new radiation

Cause cancers, and other mutations?

Similar to the others,

It could be the mother

Of all biological agents.

At least now we know why King George

Offered ICBMs to the torch;

He needs the plutonium

As his plan for draconian

Rule of the globe gathers force.

11 Mar 2002

Andersen, Deloitte in merger talks

If Andersen's bought by Deloitte

There's po-ten-tial there to exploit;

But they'll have to discharge

Liabilities large

By legal means quick and adroit.

11 Mar 2002

Letterman to stay at CBS

Tonight, you will hear David Letterman:

"I won't be the Mouse's vendetta man;

If I left, CBS

May hire the best;

As a rival, Ted Koppel's the better man."

12 Mar 2002

Cheney begins tour of Middle East; King Abdullah warns him on Iraq

As a Yank, I admit with chagrin

As Dick Cheney's visit begins

As Cheney and Bush

Their strong-arming push

They'll be called the "Hegemony Twins."

Abdullah the Second of Jordan

Gave Cheney (and Bush) a stern warnin'

"If you fight Iraq

You're in for a shock;

To their aid will their neighbors come swarmin'."

13 Mar 2002

INS grants visas, 7 months late, to 9/11 hijackers

During audience grant to the press

King George chided the INS;

"Don't blame lack of dough

For the fact that you're slow;

Just learn to do better with less."

13 Mar 2002

Bush: Failure to get bin Laden OK because he's "marginalized" and "on the run"

Andrea Yates killed her five

And this week will get death or get life;

But Osama bin Laden

Is nearly forgotten:

"On the run, who cares if he's alive?"

13 Mar 2002

Moore's "Stupid White Men" near top of best seller lists

"Stupid White Men"'s a red-hot best seller

By Mike Moore, that old lefty yeller;

His rapid ascent

Matched by dwindling percent

Who "approve" of *The* Stupid White Feller.

And the Times put a footnote on "Bias,"

That it's had some reports of bulk buyers;

These false pseudo-sales

Neatly dovetail

With the lies Goldberg tries to slip by us.

14 Mar 2002

Senate Judiciary Committee rejects Pickering on party-line vote

King George spent the day on the phone,

Saying, "Leave my nom'nations alone,"

But somehow, this time,

The Dems showed some spine

And sent Pickering packering home.

14 March 2002

Somewhere between zero and 800 Taliban killed in offensive

The Pentagon met to announce,

"We no longer do body counts;

We just estimate

And manipulate

The numbers for maximum bounce."

15 Mar 2002

Tipper Gore considering run for Tennessee Senate seat

Let's talk about the nitty-gritty

'Bout Hillary, Tipper and Liddy;

N.Y., and N.C.,

And now Tennessee

But they're really from Washington City.

18 Mar 2002

General Franks says Anaconda was an "unqualified success"

The general praised Anaconda,

Without even pausing to ponder

How the enemy mostly

Disappeared by means ghostly

To regroup and prepare a responder.

18 Mar 2002

Daschle may subpoena Ridge to testify before Senate

One hopes Ridge can keep calm demeanor

When slapped with a Senate subpoena;

"Executive purity

For Homeland Security;

Tom Daschle's become a pipe dreamer."

19 Mar 2002

Hewlett-Packard/Compaq merger apparently is a go

After months of an opera-bouffe comic

H-P will be married to Compaq;

It's too soon to tell

If they'll threaten Dell

Or blow up in explosion atomic.

19 Mar 2002

Wm. F. Buckley: Billy Graham is no anti-Semite

Bill throws down his gage at his critics:

"Billy Graham's not anti-Semitic!

One comment to Nixon

Does not show conviction;

He was just being sycophantitic!"

19 Mar 2002

Antarctic ice shelf, 1250 sq.mi., collapses

For all of us who had been forming

Denials about global warming

We ought to think twice;

A Rhode Island of ice

Is collapsing, as if it's God's warning.

20 Mar 2002

Whitewater report: Clintons not guilty, Ray may be

At the end, Ray (and Starr) had to simper;

Of evidence, they had no glimmer

They spent millions of bucks

Raking the muck

But are finished, sans bang but with whimper.

Meantime, Leahy alleges that Ray

Did not wait, as he should, for the day

He'd quit from his job

Before hobbing the nobs

That one must, in a Senate campaign.

20 Mar 2002

Senate passes campaign finance reform

Sweet victory for John McCain

Reform of the cash for campaigns;

But temper elation

With the expectation

That after suits, not much will remain.

21 Mar 2002

NYT forgets Wendy Gramm in article on Phil's defense of Enron

When Enron and Gramm are the subjects

You'd think that they'd mention, in context

That Gramm's wife had soared

From overseer to Board:

Look it up under, "of interest, conflicts."

But 'though "liberal bias" is trendy,

It seems there's a modus vivendi

'Twixt the Gop and the Times

To spin the Right lines

As shown by their silence on Wendy.

21 Mar 2002

Rep. Pete Stark (D-Calif.) calls GOP "fascist" on House floor

The House Rules Committee's a tool

Of the GOP's one-party rule;

Pete Stark said, "These fascists

Will continue to bash us

'Til we fight, and stop playing the fool."

22 Mar 2002

Google.com cuts, then restores site critical of Scientology

Google just couldn't think what to do

When Scientology threatened to sue;

The cult said a site

Infringed its copyright

And Google'd be liable, too.

But then Google's lawyers opined

"You'd be better off growing a spine,

You shouldn't surrender

At the first demand tendered;

Tough it out to see what's on their mind."

The cause of this mischief, in fact

Is the Dig'tal Millenium Act;

Can search in its co'ners

And justify any attack.

22 Mar 2002

Rumsfeld defends kangaroo tribunals

If you think it's good news, please get real

Yes, you do have the right to appeal

But the appellate panel

Will be hand-picked spaniels

Eager to show Bush their zeal.

And even if cleared of the charge

You're not at the end of the farce;

You'll stay locked up for

The rest of the war,

When the Bushes are crowned as Tsars.

22 Mar 2002

Hollings' anti-piracy bill would stifle open-source, other software

Fritz Hollings has found the solution

To th'information revolution;

Commercial vendors

Must all software render

At a stroke, cutting off evolution.

23 Mar 2002

It's true!! Game Boy generation all thumbs

Those who to Nintendo succumb

When dialing their phones on the run

Don't take time to linger

Or use their index finger;

Reflexively, they use their thumbs.

24 Mar 2002

George the Elder calls Jeffords "selfish" at Las Vegas fund-raiser

They needed a vicious attack dog

To restart the Jim Jeffords hack-job;

What they got in Nevada

Was no intifada

Just the thin, tinny "arf" of a lap-dog.

24 Mar 2002

It's Oscar(R) night!

Tonight, for the films that have made marks

It's Oscar!(R)

PriceWaterhouseCoopers

Will minimize bloopers

And they all hide their scars and their blade-marks.

25 Mar 2002

Trent "Sore Loser" Lott disrupting Senate to show Pickering pique

The Senator from Mississippi

Not content to have tantrums Phillipic

Uses sly little tricks

He learned at age 6

To be champion sore-loser snippy.

25 Mar 2002

Florida unions back Bill McBride over Janet Reno

Reno has honestly tried

But now she should swallow her pride

Jeb'll act with impunity

Absent Democrat unity;

So they all should back William McBride.

26 Mar 2002

Hix nix flix mix

ABC thought it had heart's desire;

At first, Oscar ratings seemed higher

But the final report

Showed that rural support

Collapsed, so the total was dire.

But what did the network expect?

Three films, running neck, neck and neck;

Hobbits, Parisians

And mathematicians

But no bullets, no blood and no wrecks.

27 Mar 2002

GOP official unrepentant for snub of women candidates

Republican bigwig Chuck Yob

Said, "You betcha, yessir-ee-bob;

For political dames

With appropriate aims

Secretary of State is the job."

27 Mar 2002

Playboy invites ex-Enron women to audition for pictorial

For a pulchritudinous few

Enron's fall may be the ticket to

15 minutes of fame

And some Hollywood games

When their boobs are put on public view.

27 Mar 2002

Bush signs campaign finance reform: NRA, McConnell file suit

The ink saying "Bush" was still runny

When groups like "The Friends of Soft Money"

Had run to the court

So as not to abort

The inflow of nectar and honey.

28 Mar 2002

70-90 million doses of smallpox vaccine found

If you suffer from germ-warfare mania

They've discovered a cure that'll tame ya'

Like a lamp with a genie

They've found more vaccinie

In a freezer in deep Pennsylvania.

As my mom said, "Now don't count your chicks;"

We might find the stuff makes you sick

And then, if it works

Be one of the perks

For stalwart Republican cliques.

29 Mar 2002

King George makes 5 more recess appointments

King George couldn't wait for the recess

To install more apostles of regress

"Advice and consent?

Not this president!

I do what I want when I pleases."

29 Mar 2002

White's Aspen house-selling junket investigated

Tom White had some real estate

And the tran-sac-tion just couldn't wait

So to Aspen he flew

And he brought his wife, too

While the Army was paying the freight.

He may wind up getting the ax

In the hope that the sacking distracts

From his deals with Enron

(Again, it's an end-run);

And the ethics that he clearly lacks.

29 Mar 2002

Oprah snubs the Shrub

King George put a call in to Oprah

To ask, did she want to come ovah

To tour in the schools

In what's left of Kabul

And help George appear cleanah and sobah.

She said, "He's not serious, is he?

My fans and I aren't that ditzy!

That ignorant whelp

Wants election help--

You'd better just say I'm too busy."

31 Mar 2002

NYT: Doris Kearns Goodwin harming reputation by defending it

Cue up all the brass and the woodwinds

For the saga of Doris Kearns Goodwin;

She claims plagiarism

Is now plagiarwasm;

To her peers, it’s a joke, and a good one.