MAY 2001

Copyright © 2000, 2001 by Dr. E.L. Limerick. All rights reserved.

1-May-01	House, Senate GOP compromise on $1.35 trillion tax cut	Army's new berets won't be made in China
	"This new regime sure is the tops,"	If you expect an attack of angina
	Chortle Congressional Gops;	Over our tame reaction to China,
	"With my cut in taxes	Relax! Not to worry;
	I'll buy a new Lexus --	Our Army's new berets
	I hope this gravy train never stops."	Will be ordered from South Carolina.
2-May-01	Hollywood writers, studios still talking past midnight strike deadline
	Say writers, "Your time you are wasting,
	The clock toward the fall is still racing;
	Only we have the skill
	To create scripts at will,
	'Cause we're masters of quick cut-and-pasting."
3-May-01	Brazile: Gore will be back in the fall	Pigeon-feeding in Trafalgar Square halted to disperse birds
	He'll be tanned, and ready, and rested,	Once an old one-eyed pigeon named Nelson,
	And W's wave will have crested;	Not the sort whom commands sit too well on,
	But when he lifts the gavel	When told he must fly,
	Dems'll start to unravel	Looked out with his blind eye:
	And soon, all momentum arrested.	"I see nothing that makes me compelled, son."
	Lucent employees arrested for filching technology to benefit China
	Like the guy out at Los Alamos,
	They're nabbed for intent to disclose
	Technological wisdom
	To the Middle Kingdom --
	Plus ca change, mais plus la meme chose.
4-May-01	Louisiana resolution calls Darwin a racist	Former Miss Texas scandalizing Swiss; Flynt asks Jenna to pose
	The politics of evolution	Her diplomat spouse finds it vexin'
	Seem to cry out for answer Confucian;	That Miss Texas knows no circumspection;
	But bright high-school students	And Flynt's asked Jenna Bush
	Learn more from this feudin';	To show us her tush --
	Than they would learn from any solution.	Please, please read my lips -- No Nude Texans!!
5-May-01	Monarchos wins Kentucky Derby
	Once a year we all stop in our courses
	And pay heed to the racing of horses;
	It takes two whole minutes
	For someone to win it
	Then life resumes with its full forces.
6-May-01	John Glenn: Tito's trip a misuse of space station	Harvard students protest Harvard workers' wages
	John Glenn says we shouldn't besmirch	Harvard students are very well known
	A tool whose best use is research:	To fight evil in places far-flown;
	"Save slots on missions	But sometimes it's chic
	To give old politicians	To apply the technique
	A grand final tax-financed splurge."	In support of folks closer to home.
7-May-01	Nation finally facing up to impending shortage of nurses
	If you thrive on conditions adverse,
	Fatigue, blood, and pain and much worse,
	High O.T., low pay
	Long nights and long days
	With arrogant docs -- be a nurse!!
8-May-01	U.S. voted off U.N. Human Rights, Narcotics Commissions	Dell Computer to cut 4000 jobs
	As bullies on playgrounds discover	These are times that can try a man's soul --
	"Strong" does not equal "beloved,"	Ask ye not for whom the Dell tolls;
	When our diplomacy's	It tolls for thee
	Based on supremacy	And also for me;
	From pride's height, a fall we'll soon suffer.	As we wind up on "unemployed" rolls.
9-May-01	Bush calls House budget vote "bipartisan"
	To fuel all our doubts Bush's heart is in
	Transcending politics partisan,
	In today's voting nine
	Crossed party lines
	Yet Bush pretends this was bipartisan.
10-May-01	Boeing selects Chicago
	The Boeing relocation saga
	Has come to an end in Chicago;
	They can see all their wares
	Backed up at O'Hare
	And enjoy a good dinner at Spago.
11-May-01	Continued recounts show overvotes cost Gore the election	Newly-discovered FBI documents delay McVeigh execution
	Thousands of people, or more	The documents found yesterday
	Voted twice on one ballot for Gore	Probably won't, in the end, help McVeigh
	These ballots were tossed	But the document clerk
	And so, their man lost	Will soon be out of work
	The battle, if not the whole war.	For the blunder he found and displayed.
12-May-01	Bush's choice for SEC head was lawyer for X-rated Web-site venture
	The Pitt nomination's a case
	Of Bush slapping the collective face
	Of the Christian Right
	Whose electoral might
	Gave him party, and later, the race.
13-May-01	Bush says his tax cut will help people pay high energy prices
	Bush now says his tax-cutting plan
	Will give folks enough cash in hand
	For 3-dollar gas;
	Why not just have the Treas-
	ury pay Exxon cash on demand?
14-May-01	Supreme Court turns thumbs down on medical marijuana	Two radiotelescopes team up to penetrate Venus' clouds
	The Supreme Court has voted, eight-zip	The super new radio-telescope
	That no matter how sick, you can't trip;	Scoffs at mere optics as myopes;
	You can, if you wanna	It can see through the clouds
	Still use marijuana	That Venus enshroud
	If you're able to give cops the slip.	And, in effect, force her to disrobe.
15-May-01	Robert Redford rebuffs Gale Norton's condor-release invitation
	Gale asked Bob to help launder
	Her image, releasing a condor;
	Said Bob, "No way;
	You're no Faye Dunaway."
	Thus endeth "One Day of the Blunder."
16-May-01	Runaway train travels 70 miles through Ohio countryside	Microsoft accused of plan to "force-feed" Windows XP
	The engine was docile and placid	Jesus's symbol, "XP"
	'Til it saw the carloads of strong acids	Led Constantine to victories;
	In prep for its load,	Now Gates, rich as Croesus
	So it soon hit the road:	Is challenging Jesus
	"My only hope now is to gas it."	By using "XP" most blasphemously.
17-May-01	Judiciary committee deadlocked; Olson nomination sent to full Senate
	The picture's still blurry and grainy,
	But 'though Olson's said to be brainy
	His evasions and lies
	Left a 9 to 9 tie --
	This looks like a job for Dick Cheney!!
18-May-01	Bush's energy plan heavy on drilling, nuclear
	Bush can stand up in front of the nation
	And claim he'll promote conservation
	But on the Big Board
	Fossil fuels soared --
	No one's buying this characterization.
19-May-01	Reno mulling run against Jeb Bush in Florida	Utah polygamist found guilty
	As Reno is running for guv	A Latter Day Saints fundament'list,
	She knows that she won't have the love	Not content to be merely a big'mist,
	Of kook Cuban exiles	Continued to wive
	Or fusilophiles;	Until he had five --
	Normal, sane folks should be enough.	Now he's a convicted polygamist.
	Bush touts energy plan
	"My plans would all work well for us,
	If Democrats old and rancorous
	Would stop this discord,
	And climb up on board
	And sing with the corporate chorus."
20-May-01	GOP war chest at $32 million; $20 more expected this week	Ousted Webvan CEO to get $375K annually for life
	Income to the GOP war chest	Shaheen was brought in as the Big Man
	Is rapidly reaching a flood crest;	And the business fell straight in the trash can:
	Donors know what to do	$3-7-5 K
	To be sure that '02	To just stay away;
	Is a purchase, not electoral contest.	Good for him, but better for Webvan.
21-May-01	WWII veterans split over Mall memorial	Jeffords not saying what Dems are offering for defection
	Custom holds that you get no "memorial"	Neither party dares lapse in its efforts
	'Til you've gone from this world corporeal;	To suck up to Senator Jeffords;
	But for veterans, they've	So, tiny Vermont
	Forced one foot in the grave,	Gets whatever it wants,
	In pursuit of an edge electorial.	From now 'til what seems like forever.
22-May-01	Democrats slow tax-cut juggernaut; final passage delayed
	Minor triumphs are good, but not great,
	Especially at this advanced date;
	There's really no chance
	To halt Bush's advance;
	It's a case of too little, too late.
23-May-01	Jeffords expected to announce switch to "Independent"	Jeffords postpones announcement until tomorrow
	One man had the guts and the brains	With eyes full of sadness and sorrow,
	To stop the Bush runaway train;	Jeffords said he must wait 'til tomorrow;
	But we can't slacken efforts	The lesson for Bush:
	Just because we have Jeffords;	Don't be too quick to push
	A long uphill fight still remains.	Your allies; it's just trouble borrowed.
	Giuliani counterattacks over media coverage of divorce
	Giuliani, the hound for attention	Jeb Bush and Rudy Guiliani
	Now whines that the press shouldn't mention	Are finding it very unfunny
	His marital woes,	That most of the nation
	Or who comes and goes	Finds much titillation
	In his private home, Gracie Mansion.	In affairs of top Republicani.
24-May-01	Jeffords announces switch to "Independent"	Lame-duck Lott hustling Olson through the Senate
	Their vindictive and vengeful obsession	No filibuster or explosion
	Led Bush and Rove to this position --	Will greet the debate over Olson;
	The irony here:	All know he's a liar
	It was "'Teach' of the Year"	But the Dems' main desire
	Who taught them this valuable lesson.	Is to get their regime into motion.
25-May-01	"Wind Done Gone" injunction lifted	More fallout from Jeffords's decision
	Most lawyers knew it was all wrong	Poor Sandy and Bill of the Court
	To stop the presses for "The Wind Done Gone,"	Their retirements have to abort --
	All writers are free	Lest their states' rights agenda
	To pen parodies	Be butchered and rendered
	And put Scarlett down where she belongs.	By the nominees Leahy supports.
26-May-01	Christopher Cox asks not to be nominated as Federal judge
	Dis-opportunity knocks
	As Congressman Christopher Cox
	Asks Bush not to mention
	His name in contention
	'Cause Boxer and Leahy will block.
27-May-01	Newsweek: Utility lawyer's study determined fate of DOJ Clean Air suits
	To help Bush decide what to do,
	A D.C. lawyer gave thorough review;
	He found a "direct
	And chilling effect"
	On his clients, so to Clean Air, "adieu."
28-May-01	Administration may buy surface-to-air missiles from Russians
	As we learned over North Vietnam
	The Russians can make a mean SAM;
	There's no need to try 'em
	Of course we should buy 'em;
	Let's trade for some ICBMs.
29-May-01	Yahoo: Gays, Lesbians Don't Discuss Sex with Doctor
	After sex with colleague or instructor,
	Straights will boast of how their physique rocked her;
	But gays are more reticent
	At least about medicine --
	They don't discuss sex with their doctors.
30-May-01	Bush twins arrested, allegedly trying to buy liquor again
	[Jenna:] You're learning that fame means you'll be	Pity poor President DUI,
	On display 'most continuously;	His life's topsy-turvy and screwy:
	Tenders of campus bars	First failed endeavors
	All know who you are --	To mollify Jeffords,
	So don't use a borrowed I.D.!!	Then his daughters go drinking at Chuy's.
31-May-01	Fleischer: Secret Service agents' sole function is as bodyguards	Fossils of new dinosaur found in Egypt
	When the guy in the dock was Bill Clinton,	Paralititan stromeri
	Gops said that his bodyguards' mission	Was found thanks to fortune's vagary;
	Was to enforce the law	Penn's fossil expert
	And tell what they saw;	Was lost in the desert
	But now, all they do is guard kittens.	And just happened to find bones unburied.