MARCH 2001

Copyright © 2000, 2001 by Dr. E.L. Limerick. All rights reserved.

1-Mar-01	Census Bureau nixes statistical fix-up for undercount	Taliban begins smashing Afghan statues
	Where our population is densest,	Taliban's smashing the Buddhas,
	Many folks wouldn't answer the census;	For being blaspheming intruders;
	Instead of a fix	Many in the West
	Of applied statistics	Oppose this, unless
	We should let them pay the consequences.	The purpose is roads for commuters.
2-Mar-01	Top secret spaceship guidance computer codes found on Swedish computer
	Another top secret's been hacked,
	And this time the thief can't be tracked;
	When an e-commerce site
	Says security's tight
	You'd do well to remember this fact.
3-Mar-01	Jane Fonda gives $12.5 million to Harvard for gender-studies center
	"Barbarella," starred comely Jane Fonda
	Babe-a-licious cosmic bounty hunter
	She now says it's "toxic,"
	And a suitable physic
	Is bucks for "gender studies" to squander.
4-Mar-01	Thurmond's failing health worries GOP	Cut fiber-optic cables interfere with SETI@Home project
	Republicans may weep and wail	The vandals of SETI@Home
	As Strom Thurmond's health starts to fail;	Might be person or persons unknown;
	But before their agenda	They'll be caught unless SETI
	Gets dumped in the shredder --	For a breakthrough was ready,
	Zell Miller's allegiance's for sale.	And the alien culprits have flown.
5-Mar-01	Supremes: Missouri can't exclude Klan from "adopt-a-highway"	Mary Richards, Charlie Brown honored with statues
	No matter how hateful or awful	The boundary of demarcation
	Volunteers picking up offal,	Tween fiction and fact is erasin'
	We can't pick and choose	In an era when heroes
	By political views;	Are usually zeroes
	The Court says such rules are unlawful.	Fiction's statues have no limitations.
6-Mar-01	Indictment in the Bush debate tapes case
	It looks like Juanita Lozano
	Could use a good lawyer, and pronto;
	She was s'posed to send tapes
	Of Bush's practice debates
	To "America's Funny Home Videos."
7-Mar-01	Congress to repeal OSHA ergonomic standards	"Over the Rainbow" tops Song-of-the-Century list
	Congress dumped the new rules ergonomic,	You're dreaming of "Over the Rainbow"
	Saying they're uneconomic;	And "White Christmas," long time ago;
	Let this be a lesson:	"This Land is Your Land;"
	The Goppers' compassion	You should "Respect" it, and
	Is for profits, not injuries chronic.	Eat "American Pie," on the road.
8-Mar-01	Yahoo stock drops 16 percent on shakeup news	Arthritic hip forces Albert Belle to retire
	At Internet bellwether Yahoo!	Albert Belle has to abandon ship,
	Something's apparently snafu;	Because of his arthritic hip;
	Last year in the black,	With the media swarm
	But ad dollars are slack --	He remained true to form;
	Dow dinosaurs get the last laugh-oo.	They searched, but he gave 'em the slip.
9-Mar-01	Bush postpones Northwest Airlines strike	SEC investigating Bezos for possible insider-trading violation
	Transportation grid strikes deleterious,	Said Amazon's top-secret study,
	Are subject to cooling-off periods;	The end would be soon and be bloody;
	To us, this means they	Bezos sold one percent
	Can't strike until May --	Of his investment
	When vacation trips start to get serious.	Before sharing this with anybody.
10-Mar-01	NASDAQ marks anniversary of its record high
	A year ago NASDAQ was soaring,
	Investors were happy, euphoring;
	We soon realized,
	Twas a fool's paradise;
	Now balance sheets aren't so boring.
11-Mar-01	FBI offered VIPs tours of secret tunnel under Soviet Embassy	Canada mulling legalization of cell-phone jammers
	In grade school, we learn that we'll regret	Folks tired of cell-phoners' yakking
	Letting too many in on a secret	Are finally counterattacking;
	But our FBI,	In Canada, they
	Gave a day as a spy	Want new legisla-
	To all with a voice in its budget.	tion, so jammers can force disconnecting.
12-Mar-01	Dow down, NASDAQ falls below 2000	Bush to make first post-election visit to Florida today
	There was a young woman named Claire	Bush wants you to think it's a sign
	Who persisted in buying stock shares;	Of his confident aura sublime;
	In her manner brisk,	But most of us see
	She said, "I bear the risk,	The old tendency
	And in down markets, I risk the bears."	To return to the scene of the crime.
13-Mar-01	Bush reneges on campaign pledge re carbon dioxide emissions	Santana High got federal help to deal with bullying
	Says Bush, "What's a Prexy to do?	The NRA spin is now warming,
	I must break my promise to you,	To keep anti-gun lessons from forming;
	'Cause the energy lobby	They'll say Santana High
	Will be quite sad and sobby	Insufficiently tried
	If I act to restrict C-O-2."	To curb bullies, of whom they had warning.
		The weak can run out of defenses,
		As Charles Andrew's case sadly evinces;
		But I dearly hope
		They punish the dope
		Who named him for dumb English princes.
14-Mar-01	SI sparks speculation that MJ may return yet again	Ken Carson, longtime beau of Barbara Millicent Roberts, turns 40
	If you believe the reports in SI,	For Barbie, Ken's always been there,
	Jordan's time is once again nigh.	Handsome, doting, with muscles to spare;
	'Though nearly a geezer	But oh, lordy, lordy!
	He'd transform the Wheezards --	He's finally turned 40,
	Worst to first in the blink of an eye.	With nary a single gray hair.
15-19 March 2001	[vacation]
20-Mar-01	Campaign finance debate begins for real	California orders rolling blackouts for second consecutive day
	Legislation precise and sublime,	Californians are getting all whacked out
	Demands close debate, line by line;	By back-to-back days of fast-rolling blackouts --
	To heed all new polls,	Their major frustration
	And to craft good loopholes,	Is deregulation --
	Takes patience, attention and time.	Perhaps they should try to get back out.
21-Mar-01	Vermont sheep may have mad cow disease	Boeing HQ to leave Seattle, looking at Chicago, Dallas, Denver
	We'll have yet more fear and more loathing,	Boeing is leaving Seattle,
	If veterinarians now diagnosing	To seek out a new place to settle;
	A flock in Vermont	But they should remember
	Find what they don't want --	In Chicago or Denver
	"Mad cow" lurking in a sheep's clothing.	They'll no longer the city bestraddle.
	Bush outlines patients-rights bill
	Bush explained to the cardiologists,
	"My patients' rights plan mostly consists
	Of extra protection
	From bad litigation,
	By which I mean all legal process."
22-Mar-01	Ships at risk in Mir crash zone	Russia Faults U.S. on Diplomats
	Through strato-, iono- and tropospheres,	The Russians say it's a vendetta
	Falls the space junk once known as Mir;	To expel its personae non gratae;
	The locale specific	They're being sent back
	Out in the Pacific	With no time to pack,
	Is crowded with tuna-boat sightseers.	And none to put files in the shredder.
23-Mar-01	Bush ends ABA's special role of "rating" judge nominees	Russia boots 50 U.S. diplomats
	The Association, American Bar	The expulsion of our diplomats
	Went out on a limb 'way too far;	Might look like it's mere tit-for-tat,
	For being outspoken,	I bet one of the guys
	Credibility broken,	Is really a spy,
	Team Bush has now said, "Au revoir."	Who'll soon put on Hanssen's old hat.
	Many hospitals do not issue birth announcements due to abduction fears
	A lady is thrice in the news;
	When she's born, when she dies, her "I do's" --
	Over 17 years,
	4 babes disappeared;
	So we all this tradition must lose.
24-Mar-01	Scientists find bones in the wreck of the C.S.S. Hunley
	Even now, with our speeds supersonic
	And reliance on arms electronic,
	We're in awe of the crew
	Who hand-cranked the screw,
	When the Hunley sank the Housatonic.
25-Mar-01	Is it a bear market yet?	Final Four: MD v. Duke, AZ v. Mich. St.
	The moniker, "bear," hit the NASDAQ	The new MidWest champ's Arizona;
	And the S&P 500 Index;	MSU is South trophy owner;
	But somehow the Dow	In yesterday's tests,
	Just missed it, somehow;	Maryland took the West;
	Let's pretend the economy's on track.	So Duke (East) is the only true homer.
	Apple's OS X Biggest Change for Macintosh Since '84
	As you know, this is now, that was then,	Mac systems through VIII were all gems,
	As Apple unveils OS X;	And now Apple has OS X;
	It took Redmond hacks	They based the design
	Fifteen years to catch Mac;	Upon UN IX;
	Now Steve Jobs plans to do it again.	To be good 'til MMX.
26-Mar-01	Academy Awards awarded	New audio-tape study supports "grassy knoll" theory
	"Crouching Tiger" and "Traffic" took four;	If you suspect conspiracy,
	The "best actresses" each took one for	In the killing of Jack Kennedy,
	Roles drawn from real life;	A new analysis
	But the winner, with five,	Of tapes made in Dallas
	Was "Gladiator," overhyped bore.	Gives support to the "grassy knoll" theory.
27-Mar-01	Consumer confidence rebounding	Baseball to charge $10 annual fee for Internet broadcasts
	As the stock market goes down in flames,	To the hardy few souls who remain,
	New polls are released to proclaim	Who are actually watching the game:
	That the hoi polloi	"You've run out of luck!
	Are bursting with joy --	Now pay us ten bucks,
	That's the consumer confidence game.	Or watch XFL for a change."
	Senate Democrats Push for Tax Rebate	Senate Kills Campaign Finance Alternative
	The Dems finally enter the debate;	Much like flies are attracted to honey,
	300-buck, pay-it-now rebate,	Politicians are drawn to soft money;
	Tax cuts? We got 'em,	When soft money's banned
	For those at the bottom --	It'll be hard cash in hand;
	Now be still and watch Goppers take the bait.	They'll use Swiss Francs, not Icelandic Krone.
28-Mar-01	Saudis ban Pokemon	Schwarzenegger mulling run for governor of California
	The Saudis have issued a fatwa	They called Arnold the Austrian Oak
	Against Pikachu, Jynx and Kadabra;	When he had Mr. Universe hopes;
	Playing with Rapidash	If he's thinking of
	Could earn you the lash	Running for guv
	For un-Islamic idols bourgeois.	Call him the Austrian Joke.
29-Mar-01	Iowa House criminalizes false statements by push pollsters	Bush adamant about delaying arsenic regs
	"If you heard that Candidate X	When nixed filters on water supplies
	Enjoyed all the pleasures of sex	Makes people ask "why?" Bush replies,
	With underage goats,	"It's Clinton's reliance
	Would you give him your vote?"	On unfounded science:"
	Such questions the new law will check.	That's more arsenic and old lies.
	Bush says U.S. is gripped by "energy crisis"
	Unlike earlier energy crises,
	The "whys" of our current current prices
	Are Cal's inept regime
	And weather extremes;
	"Trust the market" is what my advice is.
30-Mar-01	PC-sized hypercomputers up and running
	'Though HAL fits in a PC-sized space, he
	Beats supercomputers like crazy;
	HAL won't be outdone
	In 2001,
	But how well can he sing "Daisy, Daisy. . . "?
31-Mar-01	Giant sunspot could disrupt telecommunications, power grid	Daylight Savings Time ("spring forward") starts tonight
	Long ago, the econ profession	Despite our complaints and our ravings
	Thought sunspots could cause a depression	We change clocks to show Daylight Savings
	By ruining crops;	We ought to save light
	But now commerce stops	In the winter, when night
	When solar storms fuzz up transmissions.	Causes fatal depressions and cravings.