1 July 2001 Federal tax rates fall by one percent, effective today
When your next paycheck comes, unless you
Are one of the privileged few,
You'll get zero, or plenty
To afford Starbucks's "venti" --
Thanks to Bush and the G.O.P. crew.
2 July 2001 Anti-abortion GOP senators (Hatch, Thurmond, Mack, Miller, others)
come out favoring stem-cell research
They, trying to prevent abortions,
Propose penalties out of proportion;
As you serve your life sentence
Pondering your repentance
Of the "corpse" they will borrow a portion.
3 July 2001 Independent Counsel Barrett in Cisneros case presses on even though
Cisneros has been pardoned
Two years ago, Henry Cisneros
Copped a plea, paid a lot of dineros
And was pardoned by Bill;
So Barrett must fill
With Clintonites' bodies his barrows.
3 July 2001 Gulf offshore oil lease sale cut 75%, Florida out of range of spills
Said Jeb, "If you risk our nice beaches,
The voters will tear me to pieces;
Then who'll bar the door
In 2004?
Give 'Bama the spills from your leases."
4 July 2001 Roll Call: Sherwood Boehlert (R-NY) caught with SUV idling for over an hour
to keep air conditioning running
Said Boehlert, as his SUV
Sat idling, to run the A/C
"You thought I was Green
But that's 'cause I'm seen
Compared with the House G.O.P."
4 July 2001 Bush uses Fourth of July to denigrate trial lawyers, threaten veto of Patients' Rights Bill
A lawyer often gets a third
Of a malpractice jury award;
Two-thirds to the vic-
tim of Doc's bad technique --
Tell me, how's that unfair or absurd?
5 July 2001 Flag from Ford's Theater found in back room of Connecticut Historical Society
After finding it in '98
They sought experts to authenticate;
They tried "Antiques Roadshow,"
But it was a no-show
So unveiling would just have to wait.
5 July 2001 Connecticut officials rule against speeding fine (detected by GPS) levied by car-rental company
There once was a man from New Haven
Who drove rent-a-cars fast for time-savin'
Caught by GPS,
A fine was assessed
Which led him to swearin' and ravin'.
State officials will not acquiesce:
It's OK to use GPS
To monitor speed
But not collect fees --
Without notice the fees were assessed.
6 July 2001 Appeals court rules that magazine had First Amendment right to publish
picture of Dustin Hoffman in drag
You'd pick up L.A. Magazine
To find Dustin dressed like a drag queen;
OH NO!!!! you'd exclaim
Do they have no shame??
A sequel to Tootsie's obscene!
6 July 2001 Novak: Bush threatens to "return to Crawford" if he doesn't get his way on patients' rights
[Dear Congressman:]
Disregard all my previous letters:
Please vote to remove any fetters
From HMO wealth
At the cost of my health;
And please, God, help George feel better.
7 July 2001 Congressman Condit (D-CA) admits affair with Chandra Levy
When 'twas Clinton who'd had the affair,
He said, "Get the info out there. . .
[We'll] make our decision,"
Advice he's good at dishin'
Until he's the one in the light's glare.
7 July 2001 Bush may have to back down on second round of tax cuts
The fat cats don't care, if they've heard
That the surplus was so badly hurt
By tax cut, round one
That round two has no funds --
They're too stuffed to have room for dessert.
8 July 2001 George Harrison reportedly being treated for brain tumor
Best wishes, good health to George Harrison
Whose health again the spotlight's glare is on;
Through all facts and rumors
Of knifings and tumors
His dignity defies comparison.
8 July 2001 Alaska governor vetoes attempt to let Murkowski name his own successor
By the cleverly-phrased legislation
A Senator's planned resignation
Would be the day of
His ascension to guv --
He'd clone himself post-inauguration.
9 July 2001 Both local and Federal officials afraid to enforce water law in Klamath Falls
When you do disobedience civil
You expect soon to hear judge's gavel;
But in Klamath Falls
They don't have that at all;
Just mob rule and faux-legal drivel.
9 July 2001 U.S. opposes world controls on small arms trade
The fans of the Second Amendment
Are on free trade in arms quite dependent;
They think they need guns
To protect their loved ones
Notwithstanding the Lord's Sixth Commandment.
10 July 2001 Saturday mail delivery to continue
Who cares about Saturday mail?
Of comprehending the need I just fail;
The pleas for donations
E-Z credit, subscriptions
Probably won't get observably stale.
10 July 2001 Post: Bush, Salvation Army collaborating to nullify local gay-rights laws
"Faith-based" welfare must feel like boulders
On the Salvation Army's strong shoulders;
And just be sure
That they're morally pure
They want no queers with the "Christian Soldiers."
11 July 2001 Bush backpedals on gay-no-rights override
When his top-secret negotiation
With God's uniformed troops of Salvation
Was brought to the light
Bush lost one more fight;
His retreat suffered acceleration.
11 July 2001 Ripken homers, named MVP in his last All-Star game; AL wins
Last night, and the night he caught Gehrig
Cal smacked a home run atmospheric;
It makes me suspish
The baseball commish
Ordered up a few pitches generic.
11 July 2001 Windows XP to permit trashing Internet Explorer
Bill Gates says, "If you hate my browser
You can stuff it into the delouser;
If Windows you abhor,
You can't keep Explor-
er and trash Windows, not never, no, no sir."
11 July 2001 House passes bill to permit mail-order drugs from abroad
As a substitute for health insurance
Use e-commerce for drug procurance;
The drugs will cost less
But the maker, you'll guess:
Pfizer, or free-lancing Hondurans?
12 July 2001 Bush job approval rating up in CNN/USA Today/Gallup Poll
Says CNN/USA Today,
Bush's ratings for once didn't decay;
To me this sounds absurd
When fully two-thirds
Think that when business speaks, he'll obey.
12 July 2001 Campaign finance reform out for the season
It's not really clear the Dems wanted
The campaign reform bill they flaunted;
As it sank in an ocean
Of procedural motions
Fund raising resumed quite undaunted.
13 July 2001 18 States, U.S. decide to accept victory over Microsoft
In the Federal Court of Appeals
They're no longer spinning their wheels;
It said, "'Though we must
Break the Microsoft trust
A breakup'll cause more harm than it heals."
The plaintiffs, with one small exception
Bought into the court's main conception;
They just want Gates to cease
Tying software release
To Windows at time of inception.
14 July 2001 NY Times: GOP tilted Florida absentee-ballot counts to favor Bush
It causes sadness and depression
To read of the many transgressions
By Gops great and small,
Weak or strong, one and all;
To the meanest we suffer regression.
15 July 2001 ABM test successful: Bushies pretending this is relevant for deployment decision
If the enemy sends us epistles
Telling launch time and course of their missile
Then our ABM
Will be carefully aimed
Just in time for 5:30 dismissal.
15 July 2001 Query: How do we _know_ the ABM test was successful?
As we hear Rumsfeld's long monologue
How his new missile stooped like a hawk
Attacking a bird!
We have only his word --
Let's remember the flick "Wag the Dog."
15 July 2001 As fuel prices fall, so do prospects for Bush's drilling plans
When gasoline went for high prices
Consumers believed the sham "crisis;"
But as prices fall off
The voters will call off
Panicked measures to drill under ices.
16 July 2001 Bush unites Russia, China into anti-U.S. trade, strategic pact
The Good Neighbourly Treaty of Friendship
Is the answer to George's brinkmanship
The Chinese and Russians
Have learned a big lesson:
You can't trust a Bush's statesmanship.
16 July 2001 McCain, Shays vow to fight on for campaign finance reform vote in the House
God must hate the biggest battalions
Who can come up with uncounted millions
Of soft-money dollars;
McCain plans to holler
In support of the next Shay's rebellion.
17 July 2001 D.C. cops trying to trace Chandra Levy through her on-line map hits
Keystone Kops of D.C. banked on pinning
The rap on her partner-in-sinning;
No progress by cops
'Til they checked her laptop;
As they should have done at the beginning.
17 July 2001 Study: Smoking saves pension funds $millions
Smokers die young; a fortiori
When of old folks we take inventory
The smokers absent
Do not cost us a cent;
Big Tobacco says, "End of story."
17 July 2001 Cheney wants Navy to pay his $186,000 electric bill
"Llllllllllllynnnnnnnnnnnnne!" cried Dick as he hollered --
"One-eighty-six thousand dollars!!??"
Asked Lynne, "Was that ample
To set an example?
Only wimps conserve fossil-fuel power."
17 July 2001 Washington Post's Katherine Graham, hero of Watergate and the Pentagon Papers, dead at 84
On Sunday we saw we still need her
The profession's in need of a leader --
'Though the New York Times
Dug up recount crimes
It's too timid to be a Bush-beater.
17 July 2001 House of Representatives passes flag-burning amendment for the fourth time in six years
As a side-line to vote fraud and thuggery,
The Gop also does demagoguery;
Once more, if you're yearning
To do some flag-burning
You must NOW call your senator's rookery
18 July 2001 FBI admits lost laptops, sidearms, machine guns
The missile performance was smashing
And the IRS check you'll be cashing
Their rest duly earned
It's the FBI's turn
To suffer Congressional bashing.
The FBI's rightly disgraced
Over equipment it's lost or misplaced --
Should we privatize
And get private eyes
To find stuff that the Fibbies can't trace?
18 July 2001 If I buy an X10 camera, will those obnoxious pop-ups cease?
If you're surfing the news you can't miss them
Pop-up ads for the camera called "X-10;"
Spy cameras are sleazy,
The ads are all cheesy
But the major news sites all inflict them
18 July 2001 Conservative group Judicial Watch sues Cheney over energy plan secrecy
They say no good deed goes unpunished;
Judicial Watch's upright and donnish
And principled suit
Will cut off contribut-
ions from Gops who know how to admonish.
19 July 2001 Fires and hazmats from train wreck paralyze Baltimore
The fires are fueled by the wood
A good thing, although the fires could
Ignite all the toxics
Toasting fiber optics
The disaster'd take years to make good.
19 July 2001 Meterologists predicting catastrophic hurricanes in next decades
Meterologists don't know the reasons,
But the mom of all hurricane seasons
Could hit the East seaboard
Smashing all the records
As well as highways, and cities and prisons.
19 July 2001 House approves "faith-based" social services plan
When the budget is drafted in haste,
And revenue forecasts are waste,
When defense gobbles up
What's left from the tax cut --
Social services all are faith-based
20 July 2001 Bush's Social Security panel report favors personal retirement accounts
Before words were written or uttered,
Before graphics with which it is cluttered,
We knew the report
With Bush would accord;
The panel knows where bread is buttered!
20 July 2001 Daschle apologizes for timing, but not content, of criticism of Bush foreign policy
According to Washington etiquette
If the President's gone to Connecticut
His policy foreign
Is free for deplorin'
But not when in Germany or Tibet.
21 July 2001 G-8 (minus one) intend to ratify Kyoto within the year
Little George showed 'em who is the boss,
As the G-7 took on the cost
Of our SUVs
And frigid A/C;
We'll frolic while they cut exhaust.
21 July 2001 Illegal junk faxes become fertile ground for class-action suits
If you're in the business of blast fax,
Then these are quite nearly the last facts
That you'll want to hear;
The verdict is near
As the juries get down to the brass tacks.
22 July 2001 Bush wants to turn EPA functions to states "in partnership" with industry
As light's broken up by a prism,
And power by factionalism,
Individual states
Controls will abate;
That's the goal of the "New Federalism."
23 July 2001 Bush: We've been "unusually deliberative" on stem-cell decision
On stem-cells Bush is contemplative,
And "unusually deliberative;"
Tax cuts, Arctic drilling,
And state-sanctioned killing
Didn't rate this much work cogitative.
24 July 2001 Bush lobbying House Republicans to block patients' rights reform
Dennis Hastert's the man on the spot
In everyone's cross hairs he's caught;
A vote, if it's lost
Looks real bad for the boss
But a vote delay just means he's been bought.
25 July 2001 Katherine Harris considering Congressional bid
Katherine Harris's hat's in the ring
And she'll probably run the whole thing
From the government office
Where she drained party coffers
Helping Jeb make his brother a king.
25 July 2001 FCC permits Fox to acquire 10 more TV stations
The cynicism no longer shocks;
They waived the rules to allow Fox
To broadcast its views
Disguised as the news
And inculcate Right views orthodox.
26 July 2001 Scott McGinnis (R-Colo) proposes ethical rule prohibiting affairs with interns
Representative Scotty McGinnis sent
A proposal he thinks will help innocent
Interns of D.C.
Preserve their chastity;
Helpful, if e'er a virgin is sent.
26 July 2001 Bush administration continues to stonewall document requests
GAO's still seeking Cheney's task force;
Now Lieberman's after the deep source
Of EPA regs
On which Bush has reneged;
Both will take a big battle in court.
26 July 2001 Bush administration continues to stonewall document requests
GAO's still seeking Cheney's task force;
Now Lieberman's after the deep source
Of EPA regs
On which Bush has reneged;
Both will take a big battle in the courts.
27 July 2001 Connecticut governor calls on Giordano, 2000 G.O.P. Senate candidate, to resign as mayor
Here's betting that 'though Giordano
Tried to lure little kids to his condo
The story'll be shunted
To page nine, so that Condit
Makes the Dems look like sex desperados.
27 July 2001 Mid-Atlantic fireball probably an exploding asteroid
We have radar for jet aviation,
And satellites, missiles, space stations;
Hundreds of telescopes
Surrounding the globe;
They all missed the stellar cremation.
27 July 2001 Senate approves safety checks for Mexican trucks
Since escaping from Lott's hammerlock,
The Senate is running amok;
They think safety standards
Should not be recanted
Not even for Mexican trucks
27 July 2001 House nixes Bush's weak arsenic standards
In the House, it's "revenge of the nerds,"
Which in March would have sounded absurd;
Republican centrists
Are voting their interests
Breaking off from the sinking Right herd
29 July 2001 Microsoft, government cooperating against "Code Red" worm
'Though it wasn't for the lack of trying
No lims got to yesterday's filing
I'm to blame for the flub,
'Though my Muse stood me up --
If I blamed "Code Red" worm, I'd be lying.
29 July 2001 Lance Armstrong wins third consecutive Tour de France
Lance Armstrong won the Tour de France --
For his role in biking's renaissance,
As valid vehicle choice
And not childish toys,
He deserves his own statue in bronze.
30 July 2001 Hardware and software companies looking forward to XP release
Computer biz players are betting
On developments they could be dreading;
It seems Windows XP
Needs beefed-up PCs;
For new sales their appetites whetting.
30 July 2001 Bush goes negative -- 47% approval -- in new Zogby poll
Said Spinmeister drone Ari Fleischer,
Pooh-pooher of polls, Bush advisor:
"Five other polls
Show Bush still controls,"
Ha! He's a closeted poll sympathizer
30 July 2001 Bill Clinton opens Harlem office
The traffic was honkin' and snarlin'
As Bill Clinton took new digs in Harlem;
His plans are obscure,
And prob'ly impure
But no doubt, he's the media's darlin'.
30 July 2001 Daschle won't hold floor vote if Gall nomination is defeated in committee
For agency heads, Bush/Rove picks
A fox to guard over the chicks;
Obtuse or stubborn,
It's no way to govern
When the Dems have the power to nix.
31 July 2001 Code Red worm may strike tonight
Windows NT and Windows 2000
With disinfectant, you should be dousin'
Lest the virus, Code Red,
Latent dormancy shed,
Choke the Web, cutting surfin' and browsin'.
31 July 2001 Jimmy Carter delivers election reform report to Bush
Ford was sick, and so Jimmy Carter
Brought in the reform panel's charter
To the Office Oval
Where Bush, looking woeful
Good as said, "This report's a non-starter."