1 Jan 2001
Y2K bug hits Oslo's high-speed trains
It's Y2K+1, but in Norway
Where they do their own thing in their own way
The microchip brains
Of the Signatur trains
Finally caught on to Y2K.

2 Jan 2001
Bush names Linda Chavez to head Department of Labor
W's Cabinet picks
Are foxes sent to guard the chicks
Such motives ulterior
Taint Labor, Interior
But all will see core missions nixed.

2 Jan 2001
Rehnquist: courts severely tested in election dispute
Chief Justice William Rehnquist
Said the courts were hard put to the test
By Bush versus Gore;
They worked late, looking for
Good loopholes, at Bush's behest.

3 Jan 2001
New GOP member of N.H. House advocates cop-killing
Gun-lovers usually stop
Short of cheering the killing of cops,
But such views, now espoused
In the New Hampshire House
Dismay NRA and the Gops.

3 Jan 2001
Judge: Salt Lake City plaza is private property
The judge ruled, rightly and properly,
The Plaza is Mormon Church property.
Tell the do-gooders
The great state of Utah
Is a wholly-owned Mormon monopoly.

4 Jan 2001
Anna Nicole drops Texas suit after California win
By a half-billion bucks she is soothed
So Anna is dropping her suit,
This sounds about right;
Check out the web sites
Showing how she dropped suits in her youth.

4 Jan 2001
Lott, Daschle work out power-sharing rules
Senator Lott and Senator Daschle
With amazingly minimal hassle,
Agreed on the rules
For allowing the mules
And pachyderms to get down and rassle.

5 Jan 2001
McCain to use clout to push campaign finance reform
McCain's babe, campaign finance reform
Is not premature and stillborn
Now votes he can muster
To break filibuster
If he strikes while the iron is warm.

5 Jan 2001
House Committees get new chairs as GOP honors 1994 pledge of 3-term limits
The Contract with America pledged
That leadership not be entrenched --
The House GOP,
Honorably,
Kept its promise, without any hedge.

5 Jan 2001
Clinton acts to protect 60 million acres from logging and mining
Western earth-movers and shakers
Drooled over millions of acres
But at the last minute
The land went off-limits
Now they're whining, like spoiled belly-achers.

5 Jan 2001
Bush meets second panel of corporate execs to discuss economy, tax cut
Bush questioned some corporate execs
For their views about trimming their tax;
Tomorrow he meets
With Catholic priests
Re: abortion, to see who objects.

6 Jan 2001
"Dear Abby" reveals that her daughter has been helping write column
[Dear Abby:]
I have my mom's secret to share,
'Though she told me I'd better not dare --
Her column I edit
While she gets the credit
Do you agree this isn't fair?
[signed, Exploited Daughter]

[Dear Exploited:]
You ought to shut up and not whine
And just keep on biding your time;
Some day mom'll quit
And you'll inherit
A ready-made working gold mine!

[Abby]
6 Jan 2001
Black Caucus Democrats protest, walk out of Bush certification ceremony
The Congressional Blacks of the Caucus
Said in voice low and firm, and not raucous
"We won't stand idly by,
As Bush is certified,
After his brother from voting did block us."

7 Jan 2001
Ravens win again, advance in NFL tourney
Some trait of the Baltimore Ravens,
They're big, and they're mean, they're unshaven --
Apparently frightens
The Tennessee Titans
Who led all the stats before cavin'.

7 Jan 2001
Bush continues to badmouth economy in effort to justify tax cut
When Bush sings the down-market blues
The experts start searching for clues;
But apart from a hiccup
What they mostly pick up
Is that Bush himself is the bad news.

8 Jan 2001
Labor nominee Linda Chavez accused of employing illegal alien to do housework
Says Bush nominee Linda Chavez,
"Why's everyone being so savage?
I wasn't her "boss;"
She loved doing wash
And besides, the pay wasn't lavish."

9 Jan 2001
Decorated inventor developing ultra-secret gadget called "Ginger"
Dean Kamen, inventor of "Ginger,"
Is so wary of patent-infringers,
Of her function and form
We're kept uninformed,
But we always can hope for a snitcher.

10 Jan 2001
U.S. Army drops "Be all you can be" -- 2d greatest slogan of 20th century
Cash dwindles for ammo and guns,
And RIFs have only just begun;
If you enlist today,
You might find that they
Really mean it -- you're an Army of one.

10 Jan 2001
Bush continues to flog tax cut as remedy for recession
Bush over and over explains
How tax cuts cause GNP gains
Who'd-a suspected
The Supreme Court selected
A disciple of John Maynard Keynes.

11 Jan 2001
Ursula Andress to auction white bikini from "Dr. No"
In "Dr. No," Ursula Andress
Entered, stage center, half-undressed;
The bright white bikini
That starred in that scene
If you bid high is yours to possess.

11 Jan 2001
Bush names Elaine Chao, Mrs. Sen. Mitch McConnell, to head Labor
For Labor, Bush picked Elaine Chao;
McCain must be having a cow
Her husband, McConnell
Enthusiastically funnels
The campaign cash McCain disavows.

12 Jan 2001
Doctors find lesion on Clinton's back
The docs at Bethesda think they've
Caught tthe lesion in time to be safe
But there's no hope or answer,
For the malignant cancer
On Clinton's back: Richard M. Scaife.

13 Jan 2001
Civil Rights Commission finds Fla. officials on a "merry-go-round called denial"
In '98 good Republicans loathed
The idea of lies under oath,
But their outrage is muted
When the shoe's other-footed
And the liar is one of their own.

13 Jan 2001
Ronald Reagan to undergo surgery after breaking his hip in fall
After falling and breaking his hip, per
Reports, Reagan's cheerful and chipper;
He'd probably ratha
Be in Philadelphia
While Bush blows the big game for the Gipper.

14 Jan 2001
Ravens drop Raiders, 16-3, will face Giants in Super Bowl
The Raider fans, down through the years
Will be crying out 96 tears
For the easy 6 yards
By Dilfer to Sharpe
And 90 more, as Sharpe disappeared.

15 Jan 2001
Basinger, Baldwin to divorce
One shouldn't make unseemly inferences,
About irreconcilable differences,
But Alec's planned emigration
Post-inauguration
Surely hastened this marriage's severance.

16 Jan 2001
Elusive mouse delays Swiss flight
There once was a mousie from Zurich,
Who from airline security scurried,
He hid all day and night
Delaying the flight
Leaving flight crews and bean-counters worried.

17 Jan 2001
Trial of England's "Metric Martyr" begins
The Brussels edict magisterial
Said, "Your measures are now immaterial,"
Now England must try,
A regular guy,
Whose buyers preferred weights imperial.

The Martyr's resisting the Euro-plan;
He simply won't get with the program
He won't march to the meter
Or follow the liter
Or sell bananas by gram or by kilogram.

17 Jan 2001
Liz Taylor giving up on marriage after 8 weddings, 7 husbands
Liz Taylor says eight is enough
It's not that she's turned against love,
But that walk down the aisle
Feels like half a mile
And she's decided it's simply too tough.

17 Jan 2001
Supreme Court hears the golf-cart case
A handicapped golfer, Casey Martin
Played his rounds not by walkin' but cartin'
'Til the PGA
Said crips cannot play
In their tournaments, forcing Casey to courtin'.

18 Jan 2001
Internet overuse blamed for California energy shortage
Some attribute Cal's energy crisis
To deregulation of prices
But industry rooters
Blame all those computers,
And other newfangled devices.

18 Jan 2001
Jesse Jackson admits paternity of 20-month old baby
In summer 1998,
Bill Clinton faced Monicagate --
And staunch by his side
Was his spiritual guide,
Who had sins of his own to relate.

18 Jan 2001
SEC urges Clinton not to pardon Mike Milken
The SEC says, "Don't pardon Milken,"
Who was punished for willfully bilkin'
Investors and banks;
He should be givin' thanks
For his time in a jail cell silken.

19-24 Jan 2001
lost

25 Jan 2001
Allstate Liable For Misleading Consumers
Dear "Victim:" Your claim must go unpaid,
But we strongly advise you: Don't lit'gate;
You don't need a lawyer!
Trust us! You must know you're
In good hands with us, signed, Allstate.

26 Jan 2001
Diabetes, obesity becoming epidemic
According to CDC data
We're all getting fatter and fatter,
They blame Mickey-D's,
And the Web, and TV --
Job-stress is what I think's the matter.

27 Jan 2001
Clinton's chief of staff calls White House over vandalism reports
Let us assume, arguendo
That the White House was trashed when surrendered
To Bush and his team;
Wouldn't it seem
We'd hear facts, and not mere innuendo?

27 Jan 2001
Florida "overvoters" mostly Democrats
The Dems should have learned a big lesson
About what voter-ed should be stressin'
Issues are nice,
But review this one twice:
How to fill out the ballot in question.

27 Jan 2001
Bush proposing withholding reduction as prelude to tax cut
Putting all of his chits in one basket,
Bush's centerpiece will be his tax cut;
Polls say, "Pay the debt,"
So who benefits??
If you really don't know, please don't ask it.

28 Jan 2001
Baltimore throttles New York 34-7 in Super Bowl XXXV
Since the '58 Colts beat the Giants,
Baltimore's snarled defiance
At the Yankees and Jets
And the '69 Mets;
But tonight it's New York that is cryin'.

Spectacular XXXV,
Fell short of its hyperbole;
The game, mostly dull,
The ads, mostly null,
And halftime, has-beens and won't-bes.

29 Jan 2001
Survivor II debuts
CBS has a gorgeous new crew
All buff for "Survivor II"
But the charm of "Survivor"
Wasn't flesh, but connivers;
Who cares what these dopey hunks do?

29 Jan 2001
Napster set to offer a paid service this summer
Napster's planning to start charging fees
For tunes you can download for free;
If the law of demand
Doesn't work on broadband,
Then this ploy will go profitably.

30 Jan 2001
Intel introduces energy-saving chips
Many Golden State folks are suspicious,
That computers, with hunger voracious
For everyone's voltage,
Caused the big power sho'tage;
Which might make Intel's timing propitious.

30 Jan 2001
White House vandalism reports highly exaggerated
The press, tamed and learning its cues
Bought the Clinton-as-Visigoth news;
Ari's lies were hurled
Halfway 'round the world,
While the truth was still tying its shoes.

31 Jan 2001
Sega Dropping Dreamcast Video-Game
The demise of Dreamcast by Sega,
Is a typical capitalist saga;
By elimination,
Game Boy and Play Station
Will fight to be blockbuster mega.

31 Jan 2001
Amazon's downsizing has an upside for the downsized
Yet another Bezos innovation;
Giving shares now worth $2.5 million,
To the workers laid off
So they'll get a payoff
If their blood improves the situation.

31 Jan 2001
Interest rates cut 50 points; "rapid and forceful response" to slowdown required
A rapid and forceful response
Is another of Al Greenspan's taunts
As he and Bush battle
To see who's in the saddle
And in this family, who wears the paunts.