FEBRUARY 2001

Copyright © 2000, 2001 by Dr. E.L. Limerick. All rights reserved.

1-Feb-01	Ashcroft confirmed as Attorney General
	The Bush Cabinet has a new hero	To pundits, the "nays" the Dems rendered
	Who hates most things Dems hold most dear-o;	Are symbolic of strength, not surrender;
	The Dems couldn't muster	They couldn't be wronger;
	Any filibuster	By "divide and conquer"
	And the score's now Bush many, Dems zero.	Bush will continue to press his agenda.
2-Feb-01	Six more weeks of winter, says Punxsutawney Phil	Clinton May Be Called to Testify About Pardon
	The king for a day, Punx'y Phil,	Gops say by the pardon they're "mystified,"
	Saw his shadow, then hid in his hill;	And they want to call Clinton to testify;
	No one was impressed	They ain't learned their lesson
	Here in the Midwest,	'Bout the man they're messin';
	Where we suffered sub-zero wind chill.	In the end, they'll be unsatisfied.
3-Feb-01	Study: Time spent deleting spam costs 10 billion Euros annually
	When the bean-counters figured the cost
	Of spam, summing all the time lost,
	They forgot that some guys
	Like the wares advertised;
	To them, ads for sluts are a plus.
4-Feb-01	Jennifer Lopez atop box office, album charts at the same time	Bush known to journalists as "43" (for 43rd Prez)
	Jennifer's double-peaked feat'll	All viewers would surely agree,
	Take forever to even be equaled;	Maxwell Smart was as dumb as a tree;
	Double-number 1	To him was affixed
	Has never been done;	Number 86 --
	Not by Streisand, Sinatra, or Beatles.	To those half as smart, 43.
5-Feb-01	Tom Cruise And Nicole Kidman Announce Separation	Bush won't let them play "Hail to the Chief"
	Nicole and Tom are giving it up	The protesters caused so much grief,
	Lest careers become stuck in a rut;	By yelling out "Hail to the Thief,"
	Observers candid	That to prevent such abuse
	Might say seeds were planted	Until Florida's defused
	When making the dog, "Eyes Wide Shut."	Bush won't let bands play "Hail to the Chief."
	Amazon severance may have union-busting, anti-badmouthing aspects
	The rumors are quietly flying,
	That Bezos, by layoffs, was trying
	To get rid of some guys
	Who said, "Organize!"
	And the severance pay subsidized lying.
6-Feb-01	Danish study debunks cell-phone/cancer link	USA Today: Bin-Laden using Web for terrorist messages
	The Danes have a tentative answer:	To the hackers and spammers and pederasts
	Cell phone will not give you cancer --	Infesting the Web, now add terrorists;
	You'll more probably	Into sites pornographic
	Crash your SUV	They encode their own traffic,
	Phoning broker, your job or romancer.	Instructions for killings and bomb blasts.
	"Survivor" loser sues CBS
	Stacey is suing "Survivor"
	Of a fair chance to win they deprived her;
	I hate to annoy her,
	But because she's a lawyer,
	The others, in time, would have knifed her.
7-Feb-01	Clintons return $28,000 worth of furniture, dustcatchers	Hugh Hefner celebrates 75th with seven girlfriends
	As the White House decor she is choosin'	At 75, Hef tries to preen
	Laura Bush has said nothing about losin'	As the spirit of his magazine
	The disputed gifts	But he looks small and pallid
	That have everyone miffed --	In Silicone Valley
	Why store 'em when the Clintons can use 'em?	Posed with mountain peaks 1 through 14.
8-Feb-01	Ashcroft bashes Clinton on pardons
	The power of pardon is used best
	When the sense of injustice is manifest
	Like for Weinberger's guys
	Who told all those lies
	And hid crucial papers from Congress.
9-Feb-01	California races to open power plants	O.J. Simpson surrenders in "road rage" assault
	It don't take a prize from Al Nobel	The cops have arrested O.J.
	To worry of schemers ignoble	For a two-month-old case of road rage --
	Who can't hardly wait	Assault is a crime
	To get rid of red tape	But he won't do time,
	So they can quick-build another Chernobyl.	Because his criminal sheet's a clean page.
	Dems say Denise Rich helped fund Clinton Library
	Why was Denise so quick to be partin'
	With $2 mill' for ex-hubbie's pardon?
	Might it be that she
	Saw immunity
	From prosecution, so it was a bargain?
10-Feb-01	Railroad sued over genetic testing	Napster users see full weekend of downloading before court decision
	If you've worked all the live-a-long day	As the court does its last-minute musing
	On the B-and-N, Santa Fe	Napster users are downloading music,
	And you have carpal tunnel	At a dizzying pace,
	The tests that they run'll	Filling all the disk space
	Check if God had first made you that way.	In a million hard drives they are using.
11-Feb-01	Lab module called "Destiny" attached to space station Alpha	Three Rivers Stadium demolished
	The remodeling bug's bitten NASA,	They blew away, early on Sunday
	With respect to its Space Station Alpha;	Home of Bradshaw, Stargell, Clemente
	With each shuttle mission	Three decades, Three Rivers
	They make an addition,	Six champs delivered --
	Then refinance to pay for another.	But new park for tastes of a new day.
12-Feb-01	New e-mail virus preys on Anna Kournikova fans
	How'd you explain to your bosses	Him who wrote the Anna K. virus,
	That you caused IT $millions of losses	Didn't know he was playing with fires;
	In your haste to look over	The software creator
	Anna Kournikova	Of "Worm Generator,"
	Whose pix are in lots of safe sources.	Is the one of whose hide we're desirous.
	Snooper Bowl has privacy experts concerned
	Biometrics works on the basis	At the Super Bowl entrance, cops scanned
	Of 128 standard faces	Faces of thousands of fans
	We each can be coded	19 of the mugs
	And digitally loaded	Turned out to be thugs,
	Into Big Brother's huge databases.	Plus those from Bal'more Mary-land.
13-Feb-01	Clinton tours Harlem office space	Greenspan now optimistic, disappoints hopes for rate slashes
	Bill Clinton's new Harlem location	Al Greenspan looked out of his window
	Prompted ample self-congratulation,	And forecast more months of the winter;
	Of course, then Al Sharpton	But spring will be here
	Stepped up and harped on	By the end of the year
	How Clinton means gentrification.	So rate cuts on the stage are off-center.
14-Feb-01	Kansas school board reinstates evolution	House panel lashes networks for election coverage
	The School Board wants Kansas kids to be	The networks, on Election Night
	Prepared for the upcoming century	Said "Gore wins," then "Bush wins," then "Tied,"
	It will teach evolution	Goppers are lashing,
	Without any dilution	And everyone's bashing
	By junk science born in theology.	Them; but hey!! they were right.
	Virginia Pledge of Allegiance bill withdrawn by sponsor
	Mr. Warren E. Barry (R-Fairfax)
	Thinks non-Pledgers' punishment too lax;
	He'd require suspension
	For every infraction
	But "spineless pinkos" got that part relaxed.
15-Feb-01	Estate tax has wealthy supporters: Gates, Sr., Buffett, Soros	11 Couples Marry in the Nude
	They're coming out like a Greek chorus	It was done very primly and proper
	Gates, Sr., and Buffett and Soros	With preacher, and families and others;
	Tho' vilified as	But these couples' nuptials
	Traitors to their class	Were kind of unusual;
	They're heroically standing up for us.	In the flesh, except veils and toppers.
16-Feb-01	Democrats announce tax cut plan, half the size of Bush's	Mad Cow concerns leading to blood-donor restrictions
	The Dems have finally stopped fawning	One of those tragic anomalies
	And battle lines have quickly drawn in;	Afflicting our public-health policies --
	Tax cuts for the wealthy	Scores of accident victims
	Could be quite unhealthy	Will be killed by restrictions
	For Goppers, once voters stop yawning.	On blood, lest one get mad-cow disease.
17-Feb-01	Blue Jays appeal Wells/Sirotka deal to Selig	Mad Magazine ads bring color, controversy
	The Blue Jays dealt Wells for Sirotka	From buses to classrooms to stadia
	Who turned out to have a bad shoulder;	We're blighted by ad paraphernalia;
	To their whining, the Sox	A lonely redoubt
	Said, "Blame your own docs!	Can no longer hold out:
	They tested; they should have told ya!"	Mad Magazine's gone to ad-mania.
	Clinton writes op-ed piece explaining Rich, Green pardons
	It could be that Bill was just guardin'	To two famous tax law professors
	Against oblivion, digging his garden;	Rich's tax due was overassessored;
	To remain a front-pager	Will the House GOP
	He dug up a major	Act consistently,
	Miscreant that he could pardon.	And denounce the jack-booted oppressors?
18-Feb-01	Bush takes swipe at organized labor	Imelda Marcos opens shoe museum
	Men and women of organized labor	Imelda is back in the news
	Rallied their friends and their neighbors	At Marikina Museum of Shoes;
	In one all-out push	Part of her collection
	To defeat Georgie Bush;	Is on exhibition;
	Now Bush is returning the favor.	Showing all'd take a Museum huge.
19-Feb-01	Clinton to give after-dinner speech at Oracle conference	Jennifer Lopez denies having her body insured for $1 billion
	In the spotlight, Bill Clinton is thriving,	J. Lo was able and willin'
	On front pages, each day, he's arriving;	Her bod' to insure for a billion;
	Not bothered by pardons	But the actuaries
	Or rentals in Harlem	Were nervous and wary
	Or even his brother's drunk driving.	By Puffy's role in a near-killin'.
20-Feb-01	Third-grader's racism study banned from science fair	United Airlines to honor mega-bargain tickets
	[Hypothesis:] For the science fair, truth is respected.	Surprising the cynical scoffers,
	But when the data that I collected	United will honor its offers
	Showed white prefers white	Of giveaway fares
	It was shut out of sight;	It posted in error
	[sigh] The hypothesis must be rejected.	The bad press was worse for its coffers.
	DHHS: Hospitals required to monitor pain
	Now hospital doctors must deign
	To ask patients if they are in pain;
	The DHHS
	Is making a guess
	This'll help to make health care humane.
21-Feb-01	Napster's Offer Not a Hit with Record Industry	Supreme Court Limits Reach of Disabilities Law
	The Napsterites seem to be willin'	The Supreme Court's most recent decree
	To settle the case for a billion --	Is that thanks to state sovereignty
	But the big record labels	You have nowhere to sue
	Wonder if Napster's able	(e.g.) Coloradoo --
	To help them collect their due shillin's.	If you're canned for disability.
22-Feb-01	Lieberman: I'm the vice president of a government in exile	Hillary's brother represented two pardonees
	Joe Lieberman went to Palm Beach	More from the Please Pardon Me Scandal:
	And said that he thinks he's the veep,	Hillary's brother, Esq., handled
	Of a regime in exile;	Braswell and Vignali
	He'll mark time for awhile,	For cash in the alley --
	But in '04, back into the breach.	Bill and Hill say it's coincidental.
23-Feb-01	Intel skeptical about commercial potential of wireless Net	Pardon Me! Scandal grows
	Intel wants to counsel the telecoms,	As they're using his head for badminton
	Not to forget where they hail from	And show no intention of quittin',
	"Our honest advice is,	Bill Clinton must think
	Beware wireless devices;	How he'd be in the pink
	But inside install Intel.com."	If he'd just pardoned William J. Clinton.
24-Feb-01	DOJ rips hackers, 2600 in DVD case
	The Bush DOJ has now thundered,
	That the on-line 'zine, 2600
	Must cease and desist
	Links to DeCSS
	Or by court order, be torn asunder.
25-Feb-01	British aristocrat wants $20 million for Washington portrait
	Somehow George Washington's picture
	Fell into the hands of a Britisher;
	He's offered to trade
	His one big portrait
	For 20 million small, green depictures.
26-Feb-01	Bush will argue 'fiscal sanity' before Congress	Miami Herald: Bush would have won South Florida anyway
	Bush is reaching new heights of inanity;	As reported in Miami Herald,
	As he preaches the words, "fiscal sanity,"	Gore's claim he was robbed is imperiled;
	The heart of his pitch?	Its four-county recount
	Tax cuts for the rich,	Just does not quite resound
	Paid for by the rest of humanity.	With the hymns the Dems wish had been caroled.
27-Feb-01	Mardi Gras
	It's gaudy and very surreal:
	Cajuns, file gumbo and creoles;
	You can sit in the shade
	Watching krewes on parade
	Or trade beads for a glimpse of aureoles.
28-Feb-01	Market awaits Greenspan's remarks today	Supreme Court nixes Missouri "Scarlet Letter" ballot
	In the Times, NPR and on C-SPAN	Term limits -- some candidates doubt 'em,
	Like the shade of the fabled roc's wingspan	So the state marked the ballots to out 'em;
	Eclipsing the White House,	But only one institution,
	As if all the lights doused --	Under our Constitution,
	It's the Gnome of D.C., Alan Greenspan.	May "dictate electoral outcomes."
	Earthquake follows Mardi Gras riots in Seattle
	Seattle's Mardi Gras segued from gleeful
	To orgiastic, bloody, primeval;
	But just as the riots
	Had finally got quiet --
	The Earth got in one last upheaval.