Why is it George W
So totally hates caribou?
In Europe, these same deer
Are a/k/a reindeer;
Maybe Santa once stiffed you-know-who.
1 August 2001 Chi Tribune: Palm Beach County has erased important 2000 election information
LePore, of the butterfly ballot
Has covered her tracks with invalid
Erasure of records,
Inconvenient reflectors
Of her blunders as the votes were tallied.
2 August 2001 Bush wins two in House, heads for Senate
In the House, where the Dems have been vanquished,
Bush hung on to a winning percentage --
Vict'ries barely tallied
With ninth-inning rallies?
Not much of a home-field advantage.
3 August 2001 Senate yields to Bush, filibuster threat and takes $2 billion off farm aid
If this is how Bush treats his friends,
Things are looking up for the Dems;
The farm states, recall
Went for Bush, one and all;
But in due course, the honeymoon ends.
3 August 2001 Pentagon wants another round of U.S. base closings
It's never too smart to make bets upon
Base closings proposed by the Pentagon;
On the left and the right,
Your Congressman* might
Have the clout to protect your white mastodon.
* meant to be gender-neutral
4 August 2001 Stolen, repackaged baby formula a cash cow for organized crime
The shoplifter entered the store
Leaving cameras and watches ignored;
'Though it may seem peculiar,
It's baby form-u-la
Whose markup helps profits to soar.
4 August 2001 Cheney refusing to release energy task force documents
At the GAO, Dick can just scoff,
'Cause he knows that if push comes to shove
The Supremes will grant cert,
Then remand and reverse,
So the GAO's forced to lay off.
5 August 2001 New CNN head trying to gain right-wing viewers, meeting with Hill GOP
CNN has a new CEO
Who wants the Gop leaders to know
That he's not for truth,
Or factual proof --
He'll warp news the way the whims blow.
5 August 2001 Krugman: OPEC price hikes OK with Bush
To Cal'fornia, with head in the sand
Bush chanted, "supply and demand,"
But when potential losers
Are oil producers,
He'll give aid with all means at command.
6 August 2001 Clinton to get $10 million advance for memoirs
To Right-wingers may look askance
At Bill Clinton's big book advance
But the free market speaks--
Demand's at its peak
Thanks to scandals the Right-wing financed.
7 August 2001 Microsoft petitions Supreme Court
Said Microsoft to the Supremes,
"We've been taken to unjust extremes
Thomas Penfield Jackson
Laid quite unfair facts on
Our common monopoly schemes."
7 August 2001 Bush defends 30-day vacation
To wage slaves like you and like me,
All those days off would be luxury;
But for George, I am sure
They're quite a bit fewer
Than his due as aristocracy.
7 August 2001 Ashcroft to ABA: No litmus test for judges
"We Bushies don't bear any grudges,
We have no litmus test for new judges.
We want philosophy
Of nineteenth century,
With none of those modern-day fudges."
8 August 2001 Strom Thurmond II nominated as U.S. Attorney in S.C.
If Strom II has the genes of Strom I
He work 'til 2071
So 'though he appears
Wet behind the ears
He's got time to learn how things are done.
9 August 2001 NYT: Bush to approve some, but not all, stem-cell research
The stem-cell decision's a solemn one,
But Bush's big chance to be Solomon;
The Times thinks that maybe
He'll say, "split the baby,"
Hoping that call will serve as a stallin' one.
10 August 2001 DOJ supports minority-contractor rule before Supreme Court
Team W, nudge-nudge, wink-wink
Wants moderate voters to think
Affirmative action
Is not up for redaction
But the Court'll read 'tween lines of ink.
11 August 2001 Dems divided about Gore's return
He's back from his time on the shelf
With vigor and brimming with health
"I will fight for you,"
Said Al, the guy who
When it mattered, couldn't fight for himself.
12 August 2001 IBM PC celebrates 20th birthday
First, computing belonged to the hacks
Who hung around Radio Shacks,
'Til the IBM label
Corporations enabled
To buy them sans excessive flak.
Revolution bewildered Big Blue,
Which never quite knew what to do --
IBM was dethroned
By the makers of clones
Moving fast through technology new.
And offstage, Bill Gates made like Fortinbras,
At first was content with just stealin' DOS,
Then went on the attack,
Cloning Lotus and Mac
So that now he's transcended the common laws.
13 August 2001 Bush signs farm-aid bill, vows veto of stem-cell funding
By now, nearly everyone knows
That by forcing new stem-cell lines closed
Bush's promoting the ends
Of his Christian Right friends
With restrictions the public opposed.
And to Senator Specter, R-Penna,
Adding extra funds to his agenda,
Bush says, "I was right,
In my speech Thursday night,
If you try, a veto I will render."
As he signed farmer-aid legislation
He praised values that support our nation --
"Unlike Fed'ral clerks,
Farmers value hard work!"
Then -- 'twas time to resume his vacation.
14 August 2001 N.J. Court rules ex-spouse can veto quickening of embryos
Seven embryos had the B. family
When they divorced, and not amicably;
M.B. thought that maybe
He could incubate baby
Someone who would coo and say, "pappily."
But J.B. had her reservations
About such proxy procreation;
She did not want her genes
Reproduced by these means
So of course there ensued litigation.
The Court ruled that both must agree
Before growing a new baby B.,
So the embryos wait
In a frozen, dark state
For change of heart or demise of J.B.
15 August 2001 New Mexico 2nd graders beat Bush at geography
When George stopped off in Albuquerque
To visit some schoolchildren perque
He asked, "Where'm I from?"
They said, "Washington!!"
They knew "Texas" would make him more smirque.
16 August 2001 White House: Faith-based grants are OK under current law
To dodge legislative distaste
For relying on outfits faith-based
The Bushies now say
They can do it their way
Sans democracy's annoying time-waste.
16 August 2001 IMF: Total cost of Bush tax cut could reach $2.5 billion
The IMF seems to think it possible
To get Bush to stop being irresponsible
And pull back on the goodies
He gave his rich buddies;
Talk about your Mission: Impossible!!
16 August 2001 Bushies cooking the Social Security books to "find" $4.3 billion
Not content with the cash that they took
From future needs that they forsook,
They're also quite willin'
To grab $4 more billion
By cooking Social Security books.
17 August 2001 New Chicago company matches beautiful women, rich men -- for a fee
If you are breathtakingly gorgeous
And possess the sang-froid of the Borgias
Just sign on the line
To meet 8's and 9's --
As in 8- or 9-figure portfolios.
And you rich guys, who seek trophy wife,
To enhance a few years of your life;
For a fee, we will function
To provide introductions --
But do not promise freedom from strife.
Now, ladies, if't works as it should
You two may stay married for good --
Until death do you part,
Then the real fun starts,
When disinherited kids file suit.
18 August 2001 DiIulio resigns as "Faith-Based" director
DiIulio the character lacked
To walk between fiction and fact
Helping Bushies conceal
Their Right-winger zeal
Made him quit while his good name's intact.
18 August 2001 S.D. will remove signs rather than thank gays for highway cleanup
To avoid public thanks to the gays
Who help out in "Adopt-the-Highways,"
The Guv has decreed
That those clearing debris
Will be thanked with a generic phrase.
Do you think that without public praise
Folks will continue to give Saturdays
To picking up litter?
I predict they all quit 'er
And the Guv's cut off nose to spite face.
19 August 2001 Lindsey predicts 3.2% growth in 2002
Al Greenspan has fears of recession
Consumers have fears of depression;
But of course Larry Lindsey
On evidence flimsy
Expects growth by divine intercession.
20 August 2001 Florida Surfers: Damn the Sharks!! Full Speed Ahead!
"Let the amateurs scream themselves frantic
'Bout the sharks with incisors gigantic
We'll keep this pipeline
'Til 'hang ten' is 'hang nine'
And we take back this stretch of Atlantic."
20 August 2001 Bush tours Harley-Davidson plant, doesn't ride the bikes
"George, we can't risk a photo to mock us,
Just recall how that tank hurt Dukakis;
I know your macho soul
Is hard to control
But Bush + Harley = laughter raucous."
21 August 2001 NYT: "Helms, a Senate Legend, to Retire in 2003"
The Times says that Helms is a "legend,"
One more in illustrious pageant;
But rank with him, please,
Mephistopheles,
Grendel, Sauron, and worse unimagined.
21 August 2001 Bush defends tax cut
The future's where Bush wants our focus,
To distract from his tax hocus-pocus;
Mr. "Fuzzy Math"
Says we're on the right path,
At least 'til the debt comes to choke us.
22 August 2001 Linda Tripp is broke, begging: erstwhile friend and co-conspirator
Lucianne Goldberg calls her "pathetic"
We knew she'd learn sooner or later,
That deep down, the Gops, too, all hate her;
That we all can unite,
On the left and the right,
In contempt and disdain for a traitor.
23 August 2001 Microsoft caught funding anti-antitrust letter campaign
I gotta get Office XP;
Just think how important I'll be --
For each letter, a hundred
Copies, each altered
So politicians won't know it's just me!
23 August 2001 Elizabeth Dole not voting in Kansas any more
Liddy Dole's quickly making her plans as
She estimates her Senate chances;
She FedExed her note
Dropping her right to vote,
In her haste to escape out of Kansas.
23 August 2001 French daredevil crashes parasail into Statue of Liberty
A Frenchman named Thierry Devaux
Crashed on Lady Liberty's torch.
Oh, how very French it's
To yield to a fetish,
And find giantess bronze to debauch.
25 August 2001 Condit interview did him more harm than good
Pundits, critics and polls have responded
To Connie Chung and Gary Condit;
To them, one and all
He's a lying sleazeball,
But is Chandra in our world or beyond it?
$50 million's a nest egg quite weighty,
I could not spend it all if you paid me;
Yet folks who stay thrifty
When the jackpot's at $50
Want in when the jackpot's $280.
25 August 2001 Brazil to strip patent from AIDS drug
In the case of extreme public need
Or when faced by extreme private greed,
The law of Brazil
Says the government will
Make the drugs and pay patents no heed.
Manufacturers of pharmaceuticals
Say they're doing their best to be dutiful;
"We'll negotiate
With the ungrateful state
But their remedy is quite unsuitable."
26 August 2001 Freshman class swamping nation's colleges
Freshmen swarm into the nation's colleges
In thirst for credentials and knowledge;
They'll encounter frustration
As the administrations
Have prepared for just half those acknowledged.
For the next four years, five, . . . six, . . . seven
They'll find proffered courses are leavened
By temps and T.A.s
Teaching in relays
And BIG NAMES won't descend from their heavens.
In the fullness of time they will be
Awarded a college degree,
Which without M.B.A.,
J.D., or M.A.,
Will buy them a cup of coffee.
27 August 2001 CBO: Projected raid on Social Security funds at least $9 billion
At last, honest CBO numbers
Show how much we've already encumbered
The "lockbox," so-called
Its lock picked and mauled
In Bush's program of pillage and plunder.
27 August 2001 I.B.M. successfully tests molecular carbon logic circuit
A one-molecule "nanotube"
Knows the difference between "false" and "true;"
If commercially viable,
I.e. cheap and reliable,
We should call IBM "Little Blue."
28 August 2001 CEO pay = 531 x worker pay
Part of it's that she is smarter;
And part of it's that she works harder;
The rest of the diff
Is that directors know if
They stiff her, they soon will be martyrs.
28 August 2001 Consumer confidence dip drags down Dow
What's wrong with those silly consumers?
Do they overreact to the rumors
That Bush will make certain
They'll bear all the burden
While he regales execs with his humor?
29 August 2001 Bush adamant about his spending plans
The holding of breath, and drumming of feet
By a guy who ne'er had to make ends meet
"I want it, I Want It,
I WANT IT, I WANT IT!!!!!!!
In the past, my Mom always agreed."
30 August 2001 IRS subcontractor Mellon Bank loses 40,000 tax returns
Next time you hear brave Private Sector,
Will be your Knight Errant Protector
From the bureaucracy's
Inefficiency
Remember the Mellon Bank Factor.
30 August 2001 Physicist's reports about ABM errors suppressed, although data is on the Web
Rule 1 about surfing the Web:
"Don't believe what you read, watch your step."
But DON'T correct errors
About nuclear terrors;
From the public the truth must be kept.
30 August 2001 Burton gives Ashcroft ultimatum over Cheney documents
This wrangle sounds fishy and smelly
And suggestive of N. Machiavelli;
I suspect that their sport
Is, "Be first into court,
And let GAO wait in the alley."
31 August 2001 Bush still sitting on Reagan records
For the transcript of Clinton and Barak
The papers are leaked on the fast track;
But the papers of Reagan
Lead to flagrant law-breaking
As they're desp'rate for cover for their backs.
31 August 2001 Sports: Good News, for a change
The Little League's speed was uncanny
As it wiped out the cheater named Danny;
All while Ms. Ashley Martin
The uprights was partin'
A first for the gridiron manly.
31 August 2001 Bush's stem cell funding costs Stanford $60 million gift
In a gesture of rage and defiance
At the Christian Right's veto of science
Clark cut gift in half
And said, with a laugh:
"Maybe this will turn sheep into lions."