APRIL 2001

Copyright © 2000, 2001 by Dr. E.L. Limerick. All rights reserved.

1-Apr-01	EP-3 crisis remains tense
	We hope that the EP-3 crew	In '68, Captain Lloyd Buch-
	Keeps its head, and recalls what to do	er, of Pueblo, electronic spook,
	They should pulverize	Faced court-martial for
	The electronic eyes	Surrender before
	To the size of their component screws.	His men had burned all the code books.
2-Apr-01	Barbra Streisand rallies Congressional Dems	Senate passes McCain-Feingold
	Leading the Dems' resurrection,	Now campaign reform goes to the House,
	With "Rocking the boat wins elections!"	Where it's certain, almost, to be doused;
	When the hour's most dark	While the Bush tax cut menace
	A soi-disant Joan of Arc	Moves up to the Senate
	Comes to help restore faith and direction.	As Dems try opposition to rouse.
	Major League Baseball season starts in Puerto Rico
	The Orioles played in Havana
	With bats and gloves left in cabana;
	Now A-Rod, with grace
	Trips on his shoelace
	Thus the West Indies treat top bananas.
3-Apr-01	Dick Cheney casts his first tie-breaker to advance Bush budget
	The GOP plans to rely
	On Cheney, to break a few ties;
	Meanwhile Daschle,
	Can't do much but hassle,
	And on Strom Thurmond's health keep an eye.
4-Apr-01	E-Bay revises privacy policy
	E-Bay users: We vowed to keep quiet,
	Our user list: no one could buy it --
	But we want to merge,
	And our value will surge
	By letting our new partner spy it.
5-Apr-01	Senate Dems score first victory over Bush budget	Minnesota teachers accused of stealing tests to prep own kids
	It's prob'ly too soon to crack champagne	Minnesota adults can be savage,
	For derailing the Bush tax-cut freight train;	In getting their kids extra leverage;
	But oh, what the heck	Whatever it takes
	Its momentum's been checked --	To wipe out mistakes
	It's stalled, and with luck will so remain.	So the children are all above average.
6-Apr-01	Wavering senators pressured on upcoming tax-cut vote
	The Whips offer deals foolhardy,
	Sealed by hand-shaking hearty;
	But now is the time
	For all the good men
	To come to the aid of their party.
7-Apr-01	Senate passes $1.2 trillion budget	Homeless man attacks Liberty Bell with a hammer
	Swing senators would not relent,	They say it's too early to tell
	And so the Bush tax cut is sent	Damage done to the Liberty Bell;
	To conference committee	When time comes to chock it,
	For the nitty-gritty,	Don't call Davy Crockett,
	But cut almost 40%.	Who patched the first crack none too well.
8-Apr-01	Mars Odyssey under way
	The Odyssey flight's double jinxed;
	It may suffer some of the kinks
	Of the last two Mars flights;
	Its name also affrights --
	To Apollo 13 it is linked.
9-Apr-01	Tiger Woods wins Masters for fourth Major in a row	Negotiations continue over EP-3 aircraft, crew
	Tiger's now won four straight Majors--	As we learned from the movie, "Love Story,"
	"Grand Slam?" wonder self-styled sages;	You don't have to say that you're sorry
	Well, it's never been done,	When you're madly in love,
	In two years or one:	Or when calling the bluff
	So it's "Grand," notwithstanding sports pages.	Of a nuclear-armed adversary.
	"Hard Day's Night" re-premieres in Liverpool
	Each few years, a new generation
	Rediscovers, with loud adulation,
	George, Ringo, John, Paul
	Who make most, if not all
	Their successors seem poor imitations.
10-Apr-01	Bruce Springsteen wins copyright fight	Western states plead with FERC to regulate power rates
	When he's too old to keep up the pace	The down-home free-market religion
	Bruce won't talk about his "Glory Days,"	Is the rule in the mountain west region;
	But he sure expects	Until it's their guys
	His royalty checks:	Who pay the high price;
	Just ask Masquerade Music, U.K.	Then the liturgy loses cohesion.
	Long-term use of ecstasy can impair memory
	The recreational drug known as ecstasy
	Can wipe out retrospective memory;
	The article said
11-Apr-01	Yahoo enters the pornography business	NASA trying to prevent Dennis Tito's space flight
	Bedroom eyes of the web-babes look at you,	Croesus-rich financier Dennis Tito
	Nympho teens, triple-Gs or what have you:	Thought a few days in space would be neat-o;
	To spend cash on your lust	20 million reasons
	You don't have to trust	Persuaded the Russians,
	Unknown sites -- Buy directly from Yahoo!	But the killjoys at NASA may veto.
12-Apr-01	US near-apology ends EP-3 impasse
	Bush dealt with a tense situation	Libs like me might be loath to admit it,
	With a clever and sly innovation;	But W quite well acquitted
	What read in Chinese	Himself in the crisis,
	As apologies	'Though with our spy devices
	Fell just short of that, in translation.	Chinese aircraft will soon be outfitted.
	Flap over David Horowitz's anti-reparations ad continues	CBS sues Fox over "Boot Camp"
	Conservative gadfly Dave Horowitz	The latest outrageous lawsuit scam
	Right now is ahead in the war o' wits;	Is the CBS suit saying "Boot Camp"
	Pitting total free speech,	Is too close a deriver
	Versus campus P.C.;	Of the hit show, "Survivor;"
	As for me, I'd like to see more o' this.	One suspects that the suit's just a cute sham.
13-Apr-01	Yahoo exits pornography business	"Bush Gives China a Piece of His Mind"
	As they say, it was fun while it lasted --	Headline, Chicago Sun-Times:
	Yahoo! got burned and got blasted	"Bush gives China a piece of his mind"
	For trafficking porn;	At this rapid rate
	So it caved to the scorn	He'll reach vegetable state
	Which it probably could have outlasted.	In time for the Fourth of July.
	Marijuana high, "munchies" can be blocked by new drug
	A drug to block cannabis's high
	Will be hard to get folks to apply;
	My suggestion serious:
	School cafeterias
	Should mash it in 'taters and pies.
14-Apr-01	Florida recount update: hundreds of ballots disappeared	Handgun market shrinking fast, may collapse altogether
	Sad to say, it's just as we feared,	The market for handguns is shrinking,
	Scores of Florida votes disappeared!	As good ol' boys, during beer drinking,
	Claims of "coincidence,"	Say, "I gotta be choosy:
	Have limited credence --	Pistol or Uzi?"
	To the centrists, it looks engineered.	And go for Uzi with little more thinking.
15-Apr-01	Eastern, Western Christians celebrate Easter	Denise Rich gets immunity deal from U.S. Attorney
	The world's full of knaves and of rascals	Once Denise has been granted immunity
	From W to Eddie Haskell;	Gops can persecute Bill with impunity;
	But today with one voice	This unseemly hurry
	Christians rejoice	Is due to their worry
	And celebrate festival Paschal.	This may be their last opportunity.
16-Apr-01	Tax Day
	Calm down and suppress your anxiety,
	Pay your income tax in its entirety;
	As Justice Holmes said
	Taxes are the main thread
	Binding a civil society.
17-Apr-01	British agents losing one top-secret laptop every week	Writers Guild, studios return to the bargaining table
	The spies serving in MI-6,	The Guild wants a piece of the action,
	Would not make the cut in Bond flicks --	When their shows are rebroadcast attractions;
	They leave laptops in bars,	They ought to think twice;
	On planes and in cars,	They now have it nice:
	But not in the beds of hot chicks!	Their flops cause their wealth no subtraction.
18-Apr-01	Fed cuts interest another half percent	Mississippi voters reject new flag, 2-1
	As rates fall, guess who's glum and askance:	Mississippians still are besotten
	The clerks handling home re-finance!	By olden times best left forgotten;
	Reductions in prime	While the old flag still waves
	Mean too much overtime	They will remain enslaved
	So by June they'll all walk in a trance.	To the views holding them at the bottom.
	Mitchell estate sues to enjoin "The Wind Done Gone"
	More news from the Civil War era:
	It seems that Miss Scarlett O'Hara
	Has petitioned the court
	For injunction, to thwart
	Colored folks exploiting Tara.
19-Apr-01	Marines send Osprey back to the drawing board	FEMA: "Quake-proof" buildings may not be quake-proof
	The Commandant of the Marine Corps	If you're feeling smug during earthquakes,
	Said Osprey's not ready for war;	'Cause your skyscraper bends but not breaks,
	Two dozen black telegrams	If constructed before
	Make a "troubled program"	1994
	And the word's not "deploy," but "deplore."	It may not quite have what it takes.
20-Apr-01	Study: day care time correlated with bullying, aggression	Bidding heats up for Boeing HQ
	Day care is wild and woolly,	O'er Boeing brass mayors all fawn,
	And they now say it incubates bullies;	Perks given and taxes forgone;
	But today's open question	Caught up in the bidding
	Is, "Is it really aggression?"	They might be forgetting
	I don't think they've thought it through fully.	That to Boeing they're all only pawns.
21-Apr-01	Unitarian faction walks out, claims God-worshippers not welcome
	Unitarians abandoned the Trinity
	To worship a solo divinity;
	But from 3 down to 1,
	They've dropped down to none;
	And the Hades of pure saccharinity.
22-Apr-01	El Mouaziz wins London Marathon	Robotic spy plane to make test flight from California to Australia
	Abdelkader El Mouaziz	As the robot plane flies the Pacific
	Beat Tergat and Pinto with ease;	It's looking for nothing specific
	Neither was in it --	But if it should slip on
	Tergat lost by a minute	To forces of Nippon
	And Pinto by exactly three.	And find Amy Earhart, terrific!
23-Apr-01	Charcoal drawing of the Three Stooges: art or commerce?	Displaced dot-commers finding jobs in on-line porn
	Shirts of Larry and Curly and Moe	If you had the mistaken impression
	Are the cause of this tale of woe;	There's no work in the Web in recession,
	Says Curly Joe's stepson	Porn's recession-proof;
	His rights have been stepped on;	So keep head under roof,
	But the picture omits Curly Joe!!	But beware of the big wage concessions!
24-Apr-01	Whitman: Energy task force won't recommend Alaska drilling	Administration reneges on providing Aegis systems to Taiwan
	The energy task force is willing	In a move both abrupt and egregious
	Not to recommend Alaska drilling,	Bush won't sell to Taiwan the new Aegis;
	But it'll stay on the table	His advisers and lawyers
	Until Bush is able	Say subs and destroyers
	To make "crisis" become self-fulfilling.	Will do fine, although not as prestigious.
25-Apr-01	Rickey Henderson ties Babe Ruth's all-time walks record	Millionaire will be allowed to visit space station: blastoff Saturday
	Rickey Henderson's reaching his twilight	Tito gets his jaunt ostentatious
	But he held out for one final highlight;	Although NASA is being ungracious;
	"Walks" don't help his average	"Stay on Russian side!"
	But his on-base percentage	"Our secrets, we hide!"
	Deserves to be lit up in bright lights.	This childish response is vexatious.
	Whitman again undercut: Alaska drilling still front-burnered
	Ms. Whitman thinks she's in the loop,	I admit this is only a guess, but
	But the players all know the true scoop;	I think they've invented the Prez-bot;
	The administration	This theory explains
	Uses her reputation	Missing heart, missing brains
	To distract us as they raid the coop.	And the single response, "tax cut! tax cut!"
26-Apr-01	NASDAQ may go public in 2002	Bush's Taiwan gaffe making diplomatic waves
	If NASDAQ's allowed to go public,	The spin was laid on with a trowel
	To what exchange will it be subject?	By Rice, and by Fleischer, and Powell:
	The NYSE?	Bush can't understand
	A self-regulee?	Diplomatic cant
	Or instead will its power be unchecked?	So they're ready with their disavowals.
	Pentagon: EP-3 crew did not thoroughly destroy secret materials
	There was an old fella named Rumsfeld
	Who learned how a diet of Tums felt.
	Top-secret machines
	Were, he thought, smithereens
	'But the foe our intelligence plums held.
27-Apr-01	IBM workers arrested for spray-painting Linux ads on sidewalks	New York high court rules gunmakers not liable for shooting injuries
	The slogan was "Peace, Love and Linux,"	In the hands of an able assassin
	Spray-painted on our public sidewalks:	Or a punk robbing delicatessens
	Publicity witty,	If the gun's not defective
	Or ugly graffiti?	From the shooter's perspective
	Either way, Big Blue pays for the cleanup.	Don't go whining to Colt, Smith & Wesson!
	Denise Rich denies Marc's pardon was bought
	In Washington, those in the know
	Have a rule to tell quid for the quo;
	A large corporation
	Makes gratis donations,
	But human beings want favors for dough.
28-Apr-01	GOP, D.C. Metro battling over naming station for Reagan
	There's something that's scary and pagan
	About naming things for Ronald Reagan
	As if repeating his name
	Could rekindle the flame
	And his obsolete dogma awaken.
29-Apr-01	Tiger Woods identity thief gets 200-to-life
	California is playing for keeps,
	To lock up its lowlifes and creeps;
	"200-to-life:
	I hope you survive,
	What you sow in due course you must reap."
30-Apr-01	Sara Jane Olson lawyers need continuance; judge disagrees	U.S., Chinese hacking each other following EP-3 incident
	The procedural railroad just rolls on	The Web never was thought to be
	Alleged terrorist Sara Jane Olson;	Our pathway to World War III;
	No time for delay,	But as hacks escalate
	Because she's gotta pay	To a dangerous state
	And learn to be honest and wholesome.	We could drift into war by degrees.