NOVEMBER 2000

Copyright © 2000, 2001 by Dr. E.L. Limerick. All rights reserved.

1-Nov-00	Gluttony season begins today	Bush would lobby College if he wins majority, loses electoral vote
	Halloween through Super Bowl Sunday,	W's fixin' to fight
	Serial parties and holidays,	If he loses on Election Night
	Three months at the trough	He'll apply all his tools
	But we'll take it off	To bending the rules
	We'll go on a diet . . . well, some day.	So the 'Lectoral College votes Right!
2-Nov-00	Razor scooter patented, makers sue infringers	Bush admits to 1976 DUI
	The Razor's an excellent scooter,	Georgie got caught in a lie
	Beloved by kids and commuters	'Bout his '76 DUI
	It's sleek and it's hingeable	"I was too ashamed"
	And patent infringeable	It sounds pretty lame
	And ripe for a major law suitor.	From a Holier-Than-Gore kind of guy.
3-Nov-00	Serious shortage of dog, cat blood	Perot endorses Bush
	Calling civic-minded pet owners!	Bush got the nod from Perot
	Ask your dog to become a blood donor	Who said, "Well, there's one thang Ah know
	Tell him it's easy	And that is that afta
	No need to be queasy	Al's debate on NAFTA
	And cookies and milk when it's over!	Beating Al made Big George my he-ro."
4-Nov-00	Elian's house number wins Florida Lotto
	The house found at 2-3-1-9
	Was bought for an Elian shrine;
	In Lotto, that day
	The same number paid
	$5K -- intervention divine??
5-Nov-00	Moroccan wins New York Marathon
	The Kenyans were suffering shock
	At their 26.2 mile jog --
	They learned the champ is
	A. El Mouaziz
	Who's now on the road to Morocco.
6-Nov-00	International Space Station crew having trouble finding equipment	Lorillard, Liggett settle tobacco suit for $8 billion
	Stuff like flatware the astronauts lack	Lorillard, Inc. and Group Liggett
	NASA says that it "fell through the cracks,"	Turned off the red ink at the spigot
	But I could sure tell 'em	They were very willin'
	That the real problem	To pay just $8 billion
	Is recalling just where it's all packed.	To atone for the millions they'd sickened.
	FDA links Phenylpropanolamine to strokes
	Phenylpropanolamine
	Can help you become very lean,
	But the FDA folks
	Have linked it to strokes,
	Putting you in a black limousine
7-Nov-00	Lance Armstrong of USPS bike team checked for drugs	Voyeur Dorm, web-cam portal, ordered to move
	Officials of the Tour de France	The judge said to move Voyeur Dorm;
	For drugs must investigate Lance	The girls said they're doing no harm;
	But we shouldn't be nervous --	The judge said, "The zoning
	'Cause our Postal Service	Peep shows ain't condoning,
	Hires no one performance-enhanced.	So find somewhere else to perform."
	Scientists halve odds that earth is destroyed by asteroid	Florida recount to determine next President
	The odds that the earth is destroyed	The veep is a diligent bore,
	By the recently-found asteroid:	The other a playboy, "reformed,"
	Only one-in-a-thousand,	Vote fraud is alleged
	Not two-in-a-thousand!	In the state on the edge --
	So relax and don't be paranoid!	I think that we've been here before.
8-Nov-00	Survey: 22% of Americans report symptoms of depression
	10% are overstressed
	And 12% more are depressed
	The 78
	Who claim to feel great
	Their feelings have likely repressed.
	Nader vote throws swing states to Bush	Kerrey: Hillary faces tough transition to junior senator
	Nader once characterized,	Ms. Clinton, Hillary Rodham
	Bush as corporation disguised;	Is now in the Senate from Gotham,
	Then he made a small dent,	She has no seniority
	Taking just 2%	Or any authority
	Just enough to give Bush the big prize.	What a shock! is the view from the bottom.
9-Nov-00	Michigan, California defeat school voucher referenda	So far, Bush leads Florida by 382-vote margin
	Given the chance, the voters' clear sentiment	The margin's as thin as tin foil;
	Is to reject the school-voucher experiment;	And it's due to the third-party toilers --
	We're rightfully leery	Browne, Phillips, Hagelin,
	Of right-wingers' theories:	Nader, Buchanan:
	If they blow it, who suffers impediment?	The victor belongs to the spoilers.
10-Nov-00	Bush, Baker ask court to stop Florida hand-recount
	Bush likes to count by machine
	The Gore camp prefers human beings;
	It's an apt metaphor;
	Labor likes Gore,
	But capital likes G.O.P.
11-Nov-00
12-Nov-00	Mr. Rogers, 71, soon to tape final show
	Mr. Rogers is quitting for good
	After 33 years in the 'hood
	His Nielsen ratings
	Are never abating
	He'd do 33 more if he could.
13-Nov-00	Stamps to go to 34 cents in January
	Stamps will soon cost one more cent,
	So you'll need one-cent stamps to augment
	Your 33-centers;
	And most mail-senders
	Will forget 'til the rate hike descends.
	Florida secretary of state holds Tuesday certification deadline	New Mexico finds more Gore ballots
	The Florida secretary of state	New Mexico found some more ballots
	Won't take the votes if they're late	With just enough time to be tallied;
	A recount's all right	Bush was up by 4
	But it must be tonight	Now the state leans to Gore
	So the hand-counties must litigate.	That is, if the new votes are valid.
14-Nov-00	OSHA to issue rules regarding repetitive motion injuries	Former detective upgrading desert brothel
	Regulations just issued by OSHA	The best little whorehouse in Pahrump
	To stop pain from repetitive motion	Right now is a drab little dump
	Mandate ergonomics,	But it's being remodeled
	But G.O.P. lawmak-	To "Bellagio" of brothels
	ers will soon put a stop to that notion.	And soon will be over the hump.
	Bush edges Gore in ruling on 5PM certification deadline	David Boies, hero of Microsoft antitrust trial, in Florida for Gore
	Jim Baker opined there in Floridy:	Team Gore's newest man, David Boies
	"No controlling legal authority,	Reminds us, by adding his voice
	On the law of elections	That a Bush victory
	Permits an extension	Will reverse history --
	So Bush gets to keep his majority."	And make Microsoft holders rejoice.
15-Nov-00	Katherine Harris, Florida Supreme Court battle over recounts
	K. Harris to Flor'da Supremes:
	"The problem is worse than it seems
	Recounts publicized
	Then ruled unauthorized
	Cost the process its public esteem."
	The Supremes said to Katherine Harris:	Said Harris to Palm Beach and Dade,
	"We're sorry if you are embarrassed,	"I'm the Sec-re-tary of State,
	But let hand-counts continue;	I'll grant no extensions
	And in the interim, you	For certification --
	Should let us decide what will be fairest."	The Supremes' order I shall vacate."
16-Nov-00	Maurice Mickelwhite knighted by Queen Elizabeth	David Boies, hero of Microsoft antitrust trial, in Florida for Gore
	There once was an Cockney named Mickelwhite	Team Gore's newest man, David Boies
	An actor with nary a nickel, maite	Reminds us, by adding his voice
	He earned fortune and fame	That a Bush victory
	Using "Caine" as his name	Will reverse history --
	And today the Queen dubbed him Sir Michael, Knight.	And make Microsoft holders rejoice.
	Contraband' chad found in Broward	Clinton visits Vietnam
	Given 78 chads that had strayed,	Bill Clinton got to Vietnam
	Jane Carroll remained undismayed	And said, "Here it's safe and I am
	As Gop voting canvasser	Dodging the big war
	Her immediate answer,	That's raging in Flor-
	Was, "Let the chads fall as they may."	ida; once more I have taken the lam."
17-Nov-00	12-year old girl arrested for eating on D.C. Metro train
	Ansche Hedgepeth was eating French fries
	On her way home from Deal Junior High
	On the Washington Metro
	Such food is a no-no
	In fact, it's a terrible crime.
	Florida Supreme Court stays certification at least until Monday	Florida judge upholds Harris's ruling that hand-recounts not needed
	Jim Baker was in a great rush	The machines have some trouble with scorin',
	To declare that the winner is Bush	When the hanging chad flaps like a door hinge,
	The Flor'da Supremes,	But Ambassador Harris
	Said, "Ha! In your dreams!	As a citrus heiress
	We have an election; don't putsch!"	Is sure that they culled the Right oranges.
18-Nov-00	Absentees put Bush up by 930
	Georgie's all pouty and hurty
	And claiming that he's been done dirty
	Some absentee ballots
	Were tossed as invalid
	And his lead's now a scanty 930.
19-Nov-00	Bush seen jogging in ZZ Top cap	Bush, Gore preparing in court of law and court of public opinion
	Bush wants to show he's the kind,	In consternation, worry and stress
	With musical taste unrefined --	Bush and Gore go to a full court-press
	When tipsy in Maine	Gore favors the court,
	His 8-track was playin'	While Bush is resort-
	"Arrested for Drivin' While Blind."	ing to making his spiel in the press.
20-Nov-00	Beaver College changes name to Arcadia University	Gore team now arguing that dimpled and pregnant chads should count
	Beaver College, in the suburbs of Philly	The styli were blunt and they failed
	Found recruitment a battle up-hilly --	To punch out the chads of the frail
	Its name, inter alia	These votes indistinct
	Means girls' genitalia	May cost Gore the precincts,
	And on diplomas it sure did look silly.	State, and race -- all for want of a nail.
21-Nov-00	Gore not gaining much ground in hand counts	Election battle may be winding down
	The Florida Court gave five more	In this time of electoral doubt
	Days to determine the score	When lawyers possess all the clout
	But today's indication	A programmers' lesson
	Is the final summation	Can ease our depression:
	Will still disappoint Mr. Gore.	Don't forget -- Gore-Bush in, Gore-Bush out.
22-Nov-00	Hectic night and day in Florida courts	Bad news, good news
	Last night, James A. Baker III	For all the harangue in the courts,
	When the hand-count decision was heard,	It still looks like Al will be short
	Snarled, his advice is,	By a few hundred votes
	"Constitutional crisis,"	When they tally the tote
	If the courts with his view haven't concurred.	But the Senate is rid of Slade Gorton.
	Bill Rehnquist, so proud and vainglorious,
	May decide if the vote's meritorious;
	Will his Federalism
	Be bent by the prism
	Of whether the right guy's victorious?
23-Nov-00	Florida court rejects Gore petition to force Dade recount
	The big wheels just keep on spinning,
	Even now, the day of Thanksgiving
	The decision was made
	That Miami-Dade
	Could give up after hardly beginning.
24-Nov-00	Exit polls: Scooters, Robot puppies hot Xmas items	GOP lawmakers play rage card in recount dispute
	Today it is Thanksgiving Friday	Led by Armey, Trent Lott and DeLay,
	National-Go-Out-And-Buy-Day	Republican Congressmen say
	Toy puppies and scooters	That they are so angry
	And Barbie computers --	And for power so hungry
	Fight-Crowds-'Til-You-Go-Home-And-Cry-Day.	That courts better stay out of their way.
25-Nov-00	Reviewers: Neither "Dalmatians" nor "Grinch" measure up	U.S. Supreme Court grants cert to Bush
	Two cartoon hits from our youths	A big issue in this election,
	Have been remade and grossly abused	The Supreme Court's drift and direction:
	Send new "Dalmatians"	Now the Court gets to choose
	Back to the plantation	Who will win and will lose
	And the "Grinch" should be lynched by the Whos.	Wanna bet which guy passes inspection?
26-Nov-00	Gore still looking for 500 votes	Florida certifies Bush as winner of its electoral votes
	Al's pushing, with all he can push	He looks presidential and solemn
	Precious hours pass by in a rush	With a few votes to spare in his column
	Desperately searchin'	He got an assist
	For votes at the margin	From Ambassador Harris
	Beating bushes, for votes to beat Bush.	Who sees 'em just as she calls 'em.
27-Nov-00	GSA won't give Bush team the keys to the transitional offices
	The G.S.A.'s keeping the keys
	To the offices W needs
	They won't let him in
	'Til he scores a clean win
	Not a victory won by decrees.
28-Nov-00	U.S. Supreme Court nixes C-SPAN request to broadcast recount hearing
	C-SPAN wanted its cameras
	To show the recount hearing drama
	Said Rehnquist, "No way
	We'll do an O.J. --
	We'll have open court, not one 'in camera.'"
29-Nov-00	Supreme Court ruling on its own composition
	Said Bush to O'Connor and Rehnquist
	"If you rule that Gore's claims are dismissed,
	You can safely retire
	Because I aspire
	To appoint using Jesse Helms's wish list."
30-Nov-00	FAA: allowing 300-lb pig in first class was "reasonable, thoughtful"
	A pig, flying first-class for free	US Airways endured a black eye
	As a passenger's pork therapy	When the pig ran amok in the sky
	Went off on a tear	Now our own FAA
	With the plane in mid-air --	Says that it was OK
	From cocktails compliment'ry.	But it'll be years 'til you see a pig fly.