JANUARY 2002

JANUARY 2002

1 Jan 2002

Welcome to 2002

We've chewed up and spit out, "Ptui!"

Those awful 12 months labelled, "ZOOI,"

But reading the news

I doubt that year ZOOZ

Will be any less dismal and screwy.

2 Jan 2002

Euro bills and coins debut

No more will the Schilling of Marks

Pound the Guilder of lilies in parks;

The Franc and the Lires

Must face down the fires

As the Euro steps out of the dark.

2 Jan 2002

New "blush test" lie detector touted for airport use

A device that can tell if you're lying

Means that now, there can be no denying--

"Did you pack it yourself?"

"How is your fiscal health?"

And all sorts of similar prying.

3 Jan 2002

Bill Clinton's dog, "Buddy," killed after hit by car

After Buddy was hit by a car

The Dittoheads called to Ken Starr

For investigation

Of leash violation

And anything else, without bar.

3 Jan 2002

NYT: Daschle caught cooperating with Thune in S.D. pork project

No more Black Hills Gold in the mine,

So Homestake said, "Well, that's just fine,

We'll give it away

When Superfund's sway

No longer hurts our bottom line."

Thanks to all of that rock as a shield,

It turns out the mine is ideal

For particle physics,

And similar business,

So the lab became part of the deal.

Daschle and Thune have agreed

To provide the aid the parties need;

Funds for the lab

And nix on liab-

ility for toxins, if freed.

If you get your news from the headlines

Of the formerly liberal Times

You'd think that this law

Was nothing but flawed

And Daschle exposed as a swine.

But if true that this overgrown hole

Has the virtues the lab-rats extolled,

Then the Dems and Gops

Have been caught coop-

erating for good of the whole.

3 Jan 2002

No charges against Toricelli

In the saga of Bob Toricelli,

Both sides have emerged smelling smelly;

The Gop, maladroit

Will attempt to exploit,

But the Dems know his guilt in their belly.

4 Jan 2002

Evidence from FBI "keyboard sniffing" computer-tap ruled admissible

The suspect was using encryption

So the G-Men got warrant for fixin'

A "keyboard-sniff" yoke

To report all his strokes

And help to secure a conviction.

4 Jan 2002

Daschle fires first gun of November elections

Tom Daschle is loaded for bear:

He's stressing the cash isn't there

To cope with recession

And future inflation--

Bush's tax cut was what set the snare.

4 Jan 2002

Vanessa Leggett out of jail, but may have to go back

Vanessa spent five months in jail

For withholding her notes for her tale

Freedom of the press

The judge, didn't impress--

She got out when the grand jury bailed.

5 Jan 2002

Civil Rights Commission head asks Bush to halt Kirsanow appointment

When you're planning for a formal dinner,

An "extra man" is a sure winner--

But when odd man out

Wields noise, but no clout

The whole thing looks like "Jerry Springer."

5 Jan 2002

Bush: tax hike would be "over my dead body"

King George, shooting straight from the hip

May regret the boast that he let slip;

Recall how his Daddy

Looked weak, small and shabby

When breaking his pledge, "read my lips."

If he'd listened in school, he would know

That "[his] dead body"'s too far to go;

If two-thirds of the Congress

Supports wisdom and progress

Then his tax cut is out the window.

7 Jan 2002

Yves St. Laurent to retire

Today Monsieur Yves St. Laurent

Said he'll no longer be au courant

"Au revoir" to his patrons,

Mistresses, matrons--

Women with big bucks to flaunt.

7 Jan 2002

Bush: Americans tired of "partisan bickering"

Again and again and again

King Georgie must whine and complain--

"Just do it my way

Or hit the highway

And from this 'debate' please refrain."

8 Jan 2002

Bush wants to resume nuclear testing

King George once more raises the stakes

With poisonous homemade earthquakes;

It's gone beyond doubt--

There's no rule he won't flout

To show Daddy he has what it takes.

9 Jan 2002

Selig in debt to Twins owner, violating baseball's ethics rules

Bud Selig, as owner of Brewers,

Short of cash and in need of rescuer

Found the Twins's Pohlad willin'

To lend a few million,

In secret, sans outside reviewer.

Bud Selig, as Commish of Baseball

Then tells us he just isn't able

To bring back Pete Rose

From out in limbo

Because rule-flouters can't be enabled.

John Conyers, a Member of Congress

Appalled by this abuse of office

Demands, in frustration

Selig's resignation

But no one expects any progress.

10 Jan 2002

Bushies scrambling to control damage from Enron scandal

Says Ari, "The nation's uneasy

With 'partisan witch-hunts' in D.C."

Would he be referring

To months spent enduring

The circus called L'Affaire Lewinsky?

11 Jan 2002

Bush (falsely) claims Kenneth Lay supported Ann Richards in 1994

Bush was born, as Ann Richards announced,

"With a silver foot in his mouth,"

She spoke of the dad

But the son, just as bad

Put his silver head farther south.

11 Jan 2002

Bush uses recess appointments for Scalia, Reich

Last year, the conservative press

Found appointments made during recess

Leg'ly problematic

And undemocratic--

But now, for their guy, they're the best.

13 Jan 2002

Bush OK after choking on pretzel during Ravens-Dolphins game

After fainting, Bush says he's OK

A pretzel went down the wrong way;

But I saw waving hands

From the crowd in the stands

Attached to his buddy Ken Lay.

13 Jan 2002

Inspiration for "Old Man and the Sea" dies, age 104

A zillion high-schoolers and me

All read "The Old Man and the Sea."

The Old Man with the Scythe

Spared the "Old Man's" life

'Til yesterday, incredibly.

13 Jan 2002

Tampa suicide pilot a member of Young Republicans

Limbaugh and Coulter and Sullivan

For John Walker's stint with the Taliban

Blamed his youth in Marin

And the evil therein;

How 'bout Bishop's embrace of Republicans?

14 Jan 2002

Bush amends wetlands regulations to favor development

In the old days of Runyon and Hecht

This story would get no respect;

No more startling than

The news "dog bites man"--

Once more, bid-ness-men draw from stacked deck.

15 Jan 2002

Supremes uphold EEOC's right to protect workers who sign rights away

Your building key, W-4

Insurance forms, and just one more--

A form interfering

With rights to a hearing

If unjustly you're kicked out the door.

There was probably no explanation

Beyond "Sign here and go to work station,"

By signing it, you

Have no option to sue

But instead must accept arbitration.

'Though you've signed away your right to sue,

The EEOC, helping you

Can take it to court

And thereby may thwart

The boss's scheme for a friendly venue.

17 Jan 2002

Justice Dept releases five new al-Qaida videos

The Bushies were under attack

So Ashcroft reached into his pack:

"The tapes that I've 'found'

Will distract the hounds,

Which is why I've been holding them back."

17 Jan 2002

Bush to Argentina: free markets still rule!

Said Bush to Presidente Duhalde,

"You can whine about social good all day

But for cash contributions

Laissez-faire's the solution!

Get some Enrons and have a long holiday!"

17 Jan 2002

Interior Dept reversal: Arctic drilling OK for polar bears

The draft reports said Arctic drilling

For bears would mean slow and sure killing;

But add the word "not"

And presto! you've got

The answer for which Gale's shilling.

20 Jan 2002

China says U.S. bugged Jiang Zemin's new Boeing 767

The Chinese just bought a new Boeing

For their President's to-ing and fro-ing;

The optional package

For 'lectronic trackage

Thrown in free, without their even knowing.

20 Jan 2002

Dems incensed at Rove's move to politicize Osama war

The other day, Rove came out for

Partisan use of the war;

The Dems are incensed,

But Rove's main intent

Was just to get Enron ignored.

21 Jan 2002

Lay says he sold Enron shares to pay loans

Don't waste any tears on Ken Lay

Who says that he had to repay

With devalued stock

Millions of bucks

Which he borrowed right back the next day!

21 Jan 2002

1992 audit showed Fort Detrick missing anthrax, Ebola, others

A few months ago we all learned

That anthrax lives, frozen or burned;

But the weaponized spores

Can't live out-of-doors

So there's really no cause for concern.

22 Jan 2002

FBI checking reports of Enron document shredding

Soon the Enronians will be regretting

Their orgy of document shredding--

Contempt for the court

Won't soon be ignored

A lesson they won't be forgetting.

22 Jan 2002

Bush: Laura's mom lost $8100 in Enron

Jenna, Senior, apparently squandered

Something like $8100

Her thinking was sloppy;

Dubya or Poppy

Could have told her how Enron'd been plundered.

22 Jan 2002

ABC Poll: People favor repeal of Bush tax cut, 52%-32%

By a 5-3 margin, those polled

Say that back the tax cut should be rolled;

"We're not consenting

To deficit spending

So the rich can collect all the gold."

22 Jan 2002

K-Mart files for bankruptcy

The Empire of Martha Stewart

Is suddenly looking manured;

Will upscale buyers

Be willing to try her

Now that she is with K-Mart construed?

23 Jan 2002

Enron auditor Duncan will take Fifth without immunity deal

Dave Duncan has issued a statement

That he plans to plead "Fifth Amendment"

And make like the Sphinx

Unless Congress thinks

He's worth an "immun'ty" commitment.

23 Jan 2002

Kerry latest 2004 hopeful to throw down gauntlet at Bush

The rhetoric's heating up more

As the issues are hitting the floor;

Ecology, taxes

And bad guys from Texas

They're practicing up for '04.

23 Jan 2002

White House predicts $106 billion deficit for 2002

Uncle Sam, today, finally said

The surplus has been pronounced dead--

Recession, and war

And giveaways for

Bush's friends have pushed us in the red.

24 Jan 2002

Safire: "The dog in the night-time" was named Silver Blaze

The dog in the barn with the horse

Would have barked at a burglar, of course

But the dog didn't stir

Leading Holmes to infer

'Twixt the dog and the thief, deep rapport.

I confess I was truly amazed

When Safire, the Doyen of Phrase

By his thesis befogged,

Called the complacent dog

By the name of the horse, Silver Blaze.

24 Jan 2002

Campaign finance reform reaches House floor

For the GOP this is a gift;

Enron from their backs it should lift--

If they just vote yea

In the space of one day

Off the front pages Enron will shift.

24 Jan 2002

Bush remembers promise of $20 billion to NYC

Not long ago, Bush had reneged

'Though the New Yorkers bowed and they begged;

But now, federal cash

From some undisclosed stash

From scandal to war helps Bush segue.

25 Jan 2002

Bush tells Coast Guard audience of security spending hike

Bush is, so we're told by the Rights

As popular as Jesus Christ;

But if that's the case

Why's a milit'ry base

The only place he ever lights?

25 Jan 2002

Apostate Enron exec found dead

Baxter's death by the cops was depicted

As due to a shot self-inflicted

But his sudden demise

Means that dozens of guys

See a chance that they won't be convicted.

25 Jan 2002

India tests nuclear-capable missile

As the tensions are reaching their crest

Ind'ya conducted a test

Of its newest missile

For atomic epistles

To Pakistan cities addressed.

26 Jan 2002

O'Connor reveals law school fling with Rehnquist

Sandy and Bill were an item,

Hosts with the most would invite 'em;

But it wasn't to be--

Which one was the dumpee?

Did Bill challenge O'Connor and fight 'im?

The odds against this were extreme--

The very first woman, it seems

Had had an affair

With the apparent heir

To the job of Chief Justice Supreme.

And how was it she was selected?

Her appointment was hardly expected.

Did Bill think of "then"

And "now" make amends

And see to it her name was injected?

27 Jan 2002

Ashcroft has bare-breasted 1934 statue draped

In the halls of the Justice Department

They demand rectitude and comportment

So the statue that posed

With one breast exposed

Was wrapped 'til she shows some deportment.

28 Jan 2002

USS Greeneville in yet another collision

The submarine USS Greeneville

The same one that nine Japanese killed

Bumped into her tender

A mere fender-bender

And no fat cats aboard for the thrill.

28 Jan 2002

Bush's pretzel incident due to unrevealed heart condition

As everyone knew from the start

Bush has serious flaws in his heart;

Of moral compassion,

Much less than full ration

And of courage much less than full part.

And true to his form, Fleischer lied

'Bout the heart problem's physical side

The reason Bush fainted

Was not what they painted;

His arrhythmia knocked him off-stride.

28 Jan 2002

Cheney to stonewall GAO document demand

Says Dick, "Let the GAO sue

I'll do what a veep's gotta do--

Whether we're taking orders

From Enron's headquarters

Is not grist for a public review."

29 Jan 2002

Linda Lay: "We're broke"

I think I know what Linda Lay meant

When she said they're too broke to make payments

"I can't pay the plumber

'Til I recall the number

Of our bank account out in Grand Cayman."

29 Jan 2002

Jeb's daughter arrested for faking narcotic prescription

Jenna and Barb and Noelle

Are putting their parents through hell

Discretion, decorum

Are just too dull for 'em

From their fathers they sure have learned well!

30 Jan 2002

State of the Union: Iran, Iraq and North Korea an "evil axis"

To Iran and Iraq and Korea:

I'm sure that you've got the idea--

As the Usurper's grip

On Washington slips

He'll be tossing you missiles nuclea.

30 Jan 2002

CNN: Bush asks Daschle not to investigate 9/11

Bush don't want the Senate to probe

For fear of a slippery slope;

Is one of his reasons

That Bushies' malfeasance

Will be held up to the microscope?

30 Jan 2002

GAO files suit over Cheney documents; GOP leaders try to block

The GAO's fixin' to sue

To bring the dox to public view--

But resisting, natch

Are Hastert and Hatch

In attempt to protect you-know-who.

30 Jan 2002

Ashcroft has benign lesions removed

A recycled joke, I admit

But still I'm compelled to submit

Why, when they did find

A portion benign

On Ashcroft, did they remove it?

31 Jan 2002

In SOTU, Bush said Security = Jobs, but he's cutting training funds

"To sum my plan into one word,

By more jobs is the future secured--

But paying for training

Is fiscally draining

And our cash is to rich folks returned."

31 Jan 2002

Idaho legislature votes to repeal term limits

Term limits ain't no panacea

They're just one more crackpot idea;

Rural mayors and sheriffs

Just cannot be there if

You have to replace them each year.