APRIL 2002

APRIL 2002

1 Apr 2002

Forest Service withdraws approval for Montana mine

That horrible wailing and whining

Is the outfit that wants to start mining;

They can't start to dig

'Til they write a check big

For GOP's pocketbook-lining.

1 Apr 2002

States forced to spend tobacco settlement to balance budgets

The crisis is on us past joking;

The states need the cash just for stoking

The state-budget fires,

So they must retire

Those well-meaning ads against smoking.

2 Apr 2002

Lefties Carville, Begala finally return fire on "Crossfire"

Begala and Carville are back

And giving no quarter, no slack

Novak and Tucker

Look like hapless suckers

As the Lefties go on the attack!

2 Apr 2002

Maryland beats Indiana for NCAA Championship

The Terrapins just beat the Hoosiers

Who lost, but were never the losers

That honor, last night

Went to Bobby Knight

The blowhard, the choker, the bruiser.

3 Apr 2002

Rumsfeld: Zubaydah to be questioned by "people who know how"

"We won't torture Abu Zabaydah

To learn what he knows of al-Qaida;

We'll just look away

As the goons that we pay

Turn the thumbscrews yet tighter and tighter."

3 Apr 2002

Labourites may revolt over Blair's Iraq stance

The Labourites still have some lefties

Who carry knives sharp and clubs hefty;

They're using these tools

So Bush knows John Bull

Will not be the warp to his wefty.

4 Apr 2002

Enron, O.J. highlighting Texas, Florida "mansion exemption" in bankruptcy

If you're rich but see bankruptcy coming,

With the din of your creditors' drumming;

The "homestead exemption"--

A Florida mansion--

Keeps your nest egg alive, well, and humming.

4 Apr 2002

Bush demanding Senate action on fast-track trade by April 22

Said Georgie, "You heard me! I meant it!

You have less than three weeks to send it!"

But what will he do,

Hold his breath until blue?

He's not in command of the Senate.

4 Apr 2002

GOP raises $26M in hard money in first quarter; Dems get $8M

The GOP edge in hard money

Is so big it's not even funny;

They're fund raising while

The Dems' rank and file

Pretend that their prospects are sunny.

5 Apr 2002

"The Graduate" opens on Broadway

There once was an actress named Turner

Whose career was stuck on the back burner

Mrs. Robinson, nude

Is gutsy and shrewd

And will pay if the show's a big earner.

5 Apr 2002

Blair, Bush meet at Crawford to plan WWIII

Bush and Blair will not flinch, will not cringe,

When the Iraq invasion begins;

They'll be crafting a plan

To go after Iran--

Call them the Hegemony Twins!

5 Apr 2002

Jeb Bush seeking to trademark his name

Unauthorized use of his name

Makes Jeb want to trademark the same;

It's really quite fitting

Because modern mark-eting

Is really his sole claim to fame.

5 Apr 2002

Post reporter forwards critical e-mails to writers' bosses

There was a reporter named Sue

Who when dissed thought she knew what to do;

Not merely dismissive

Of critical missives

She chose to retaliate, too.

She took time from her busy day

To find writers' bosses, and say,

"This guy isn't working

He's surfing and shirking

Is this what he does for his pay?"

Her enemies sent to the breadlines,

She rushed back to meeting her deadline

She'd print RNC's

New press release

But she still had to think up a headline.

6 Apr 2002

Bush: Mideast crisis is Clinton's fault; no, strike that

"If you can't get the whole enchilada

Your summit will fuel intifada,"

When Bush ain't admittin'

He meant to slam Clinton

He's performing the Moonshine Sonata.

7 Apr 2002

Kennedy: Bush's funding reneges on education compromise

While the newsies were there with their Nikons

Bush posed with a liberal icon;

All the while intending

To cut any spending

For the parts Teddy found to his likin'.

8 Apr 2002

Bush heckled in Tennessee

The vaunted crowd cleansing machine

Must need a pit stop unforeseen;

It's supposed to keep trouble

From King George's bubble

But the hecklers got in through the screen.

8 Apr 2000

Emperor George annoyed because Sharon, Arafat don't obey him

All over the world, they've heard

That when Georgie says "Jump!" you've been spurred;

The American press

Says to call him "Highness"

But some folks just don't get the word.

9 Apr 2002

Rumsfeld: "Neutralized" Osama "better than nothing"

Not "Wanted: Dead or Alive"

Osama's now "neutralized;"

Our troops are all packed

To head to Iraq

So Osama can plan the reprise.

9 Apr 2002

Robert Ray chickens out of NJ Senate race

Inquisitor II, Robert Ray

Missed the deadline to file yesterday;

His people relate

He'd started too late

To get a campaign underway.

That story helps Robert save face

Now he will not get creamed in the race

And his illegal mix

Of crass politics

And Counsel work, will be erased.

10 Apr 2002

Bush graciously decides to allow Jimmy Carter to visit Cuba

Jimmy C. had to beg Mr. Dub'a

For permission to travel to Cuba;

Like the guy at Canossa

Who knelt in the snow, so

Did Carter let Bush play Grand Pooh-bah.

10 Apr 2002

Bush disagrees with Greenspan on stock-option accounting

In today's Wall Street Journal the news is

That Georgie's dumb just when he chooses;

On executives' options

He pushed the adoption

Of a rule to encourage abuses.

Bush wants to advance the illusion

That the problem's with asset dilution;

He'd let options hide

Until exercised

When the shareholders'd lose their delusions.

The Bush rule's a distracting gesture

That does not tell prospective investors

The extent of the risk

To the corporate fisc

As the options just sit there and fester.

10 Apr 2002

Bush: Saddam's oil embargo demands immediate ANWR drilling

With a tone that he wishes was chilling

Emperor George demands drilling;

But we'll control, by and by

The Iraqi supply

Which is plenty for SUV swilling.

11 Apr 2002

Baxter "suicide" case still open

His wounds were by "rat shot" inflicted,

The cops found the evidence, wrecked it;

His widow won't quote

His suicide note

No one will for this crime be convicted.

Late breaking news from the police:

The "suicide note"'s been released

Phrases generic

On paper generic

In capital letters -- oh, puh-leeze!!

11 Apr 2002

King George against all human cloning

King George said that he ain't condoning

The practicing of human cloning;

The nightmare of Roves

Approaching in droves

Woke him up in an icy sweat, moaning.

11 Apr 2002

Ex-mayor and ex-stripper Koleen Brooks to pose for Playboy

Mayor-recalled Koleen Brooks

May have lost the best parts of her looks

Of her youth topless dancing

But Playboy's enhancing

Guarantees that her spread really cooks!

14 Apr 2002

IRS to focus audits on poor people

As if tax cutting wasn't sufficient

To show the Gop's mor'ly deficient;

If you make enough dough

Don't pay what you owe!

Of the poor shakedowns are more efficient.

14 Apr 2002

Gore: Republicans are the "Pirates of Enron"

At long last the real Al Gore

Is ready to treat it like war;

His new-found aggression

Should leave an impression

On those who once found him a bore.

14 Apr 2002

Venezuela coup reversed; Chavez back in command

The coup d'etat in Venezuela

Has ended, abjectly, in failure;

King George's eyes glued

On that famous light crude

Gnashes teeth, saying, "Some day I'll nail ya'!"

15 Apr 2002

FBI investigating White for insider trading

Tom White called his buddies at Enron

From his office deep inside the Pentagon

For the optimal clock

For dumping his stock

For the Gop, and example and paragon.

16 Apr 2002

Bush suspected of supporting fellow coup-mongers in Venezuela

Banana-Republican brothers

Can always count on one another;

A nod and a wink

Were sufficient, I think

To have infant democracy smothered.

16 Apr 2002

Senate kills ANWR drilling; Daschle won't even consider Tax Cut II

The right-wingers think these lost causes

Will help stem electoral losses;

They're grasping at straws;

They'll find these bad laws

Around their necks like albatrosses.

17 Apr 2002

For lovely Erika Greene, who won $108M in the Big Game

Dear Erika, it is my duty

To sing of your poise and your beauty

As you talked to the press

About your lucky guess

That won all those millions of booty.

You are all the woman I seek;

Let's elope to our own island Greek

I won't forget wife

To whom I vowed life--

I'll write her at least once a week.

17 Apr 2002

Lott's anti-Daschle Web site can't be ".gov", has to move

As usual, Lott thought the rules

Apply just to Democrat fools;

But no usage of

"senate.gov"

May be viewed as a partisan tool.

17 Apr 2002

Judge nixes Ashcroft's edict nullifying Oregon euthanasia law

With calm and frank deliberation

Or'gon was the first in the nation

To permit an M.D.

To lend dignity

To the death of a terminal patient.

When John Ashcroft heard this, he cried

And set Fed'ralist tenets aside;

He decreed it a crime

Anywhere, anytime

To use drugs to assist suicide.

The Federal Judge hardly paused;

The power of states to make laws

On life-and-death matters

Would be left in tatters

If Ashcroft's decree was not tossed.

18 Apr 2002

Otto Reich suspected of involvement in Venezuela coup

As soon as appointed, Herr Reich

Said, "Now, there is no need for a strike--

With a wink or two

I'll encourage a coup

'Til the voters find someone I like."

18 Apr 2002

R.I.P. Thor Heyerdahl

He said, "Though my theory is freaky,

To show that the folks of Tahiti

Could have rafted on through

From the shores of Peru

I'll do it myself, on Kon-Tiki."

18 Apr 2002

$200,000 investigation proves Clinton did not trash the White House

The earliest W scandal

Was the lie that the Clintonite vandals

Made like Charlie Manson

In the Executive Mansion--

GAO found that naught was mishandled.

18 Apr 2002

Bush pretending Israeli pullback was "without delay" as he had commanded

"Enough is enough, this must end,"

Said Bush, as Sharon went on send-

ing soldiers and tanks

To kill Arafat's ranks;

But what's a few days between friends?

19 Apr 2002

Bush angers Canadians with late apology for soldiers' deaths

To Israel, Russia, Japan

Venezuela, China (twice!), Pakistan

And all the EU,

Now add Canada, too

To the countries annoyed by our man.

21 Apr 2002

Utah Law School prof will quit if students are armed

Said the famous professor of law,

"This bill has a serious flaw;

Kids who pack heat

Are more likely to cheat

And than I will be quicker to draw."

21 Apr 2002

75,000 demonstrate in D.C.; Bush absent

Hordes of protestors came to D.C.

To show, for the world to see

Their fierce opposition

To Bush definitions

Of truth, justice, democracy.

King George heard not their affidavit--

Without the cojones to brave it,

He found it convenient

To spend a long weekend

Safe away under guard at Camp David.

21 Apr 2002

DeLay: "Don't go to Baylor;" omits "I was expelled."

"If your kid goes to Aggie or Baylor,

He'll drink, smoke and swear like a sailor;

A practicing Christian

Must find his position

Some place where I wasn't a failure."

21 Apr 2002

Le Pen to face Chirac for French presidency

When they'd counted the votes, M. Le Pen

Narrowly beat M. Jospin;

But nevertheless

Jospin acquiesced

Without appealing to a Court of his friends.

22 Apr 2002

Judge tells Tricia and Julie to stop fighting over Rebozo bequest

I can't help but thinking that maybe

Dick Nixon's old friend, known as "Bebe"

Thought Tricia and Julie

Would not fight unduly

But, then, what kind of sisters would they be?

22 Apr 2002

How much advance warning did George have about 9/11?

One clue that will help you to know

If the terrorist danger is low

Is log on and see

If Bush's in D.C.

There's prob'ly no danger if so!

23 Apr 2002

Ari's engaged to 26-year-old aide; Karen's leaving for Texas

I don't know about cause and effects

Or tawdry suggestions of sex

But Ari's young bride

May have stung Karen's pride

And set her to packin' for Tex'.

23 Apr 2002

EPA Ombudsman quits over Whitman's meddling

The Ombudsman said Christine Whitman

Could not get his sleuthing to quit, man

Or get him to shut up

About the site Shattuck*

He's lucky she sent in no hit man.

Shattuck had haz-mats in piles,

But the EPA settled, all smiles;

The corporate villain

That saved $90 million

Employed Christine's spouse all the while.

*Superfund site in Denver area

24 Apr 2002

Amazon.com up, AOL/Time-Warner 'way down (trading suspended)

The way Wall Street handles web commerce

Is to concentrate thought on the obverse;

Amazon's losses

Were less than its glosses

But Time-Warner is losing its shirts.

24 Apr 2002

House OKs accounting oversight bill

The GOP oversight bill

Will not do much, but it will

Be good for pretending

Abuses are ending

When they know its effects will be nil.

24 Apr 2002

"Abstinence-only" sex education funds debated in House

In matters of public debate

Republicans say, "We trust states,

To allocate funding,

Except for just one thing--

For sex, tell our teens to just wait."

24 Apr 2002

Bush in S.D. trying to push Daschle back to Minority Leader

King George travelled to South Dakota

To tell them they'd better meet quota

And vote GOP;

If not, there will be

Of federal cash, no iota.

24 Apr 2002

Cardinals: Defrock "notorious, serial, predatory" offenders

Notorious predation serial

Will wreck your career presbyterial;

But if not notorious

The Church ain't censorious

Keep it hidden, and it's immaterial.

25 Apr 2002

Abdullah, Bush meeting in Crawford

The Crown Prince will speak for the Saudis

And say, "Mr. Bush, you're too rowdy--

The whole Middle East,

And Asia, at least

Will change your nice forecast to cloudy."

Said King George to Crown Prince Abdullah,

"Now, don't give me none of your bull-ah

Our milit'ry might

Gives me the right--

Who cares 'bout some rag-headed mullahs?"

25 Apr 2002

House votes to split INS

The House chose to split INS

To enhance, they said, speed and finesse

But the message they're sending

Is they want to cut spending--

The halves each must make do with less.

26 Apr 2002

Hastert: SEC should do the job within its budget, or beg for more

Said House Speaker Dennis J. Hastert

"This SEC funding's a bastard;

My constituency

Says, 'Fund SEC;'

But 'No way!' command my puppet-masters."

27 Apr 2002

Bush demands fast-track authority; doesn't mention April 22 ultimatum

A few weeks ago, King George demanded

That his trade-dealing pow'r be expanded

The firm deadline date o'

His ol' ultimato

Ignored and on purpose backhanded.

Is anyone taking his orders?

Sharon won't retreat to his borders,

The senators diss him

And Saudis dismiss him,

And dissent's leaking from White House corridors.

27 Apr 2002

Thanks to tax cut, this year's projected deficit is $100+ billion

If you'd won the entire Big Game

And had $300 mill' to your name

That's .003

Of the giveaway spree

That Bush's rich donors reclaimed.

28 Apr 2002

In e-mail to lobbyist, Energy Dept official sees Bush as Mussolini

"If you were the king or Il Duce"

And not too particu'ly choosy

What gas policy

Would you like to see

And with what lobby groups hoochy-coochy?

28 Apr 2002

NRA taking credit for putting Bush in the White House

The NRA members all thought

That they would be calling the shots

O'er cookies and coffees

From the Oval Office

But Enron slid into its slot.

29 Apr 2002

Israel, Arafat reach truce; how long before Bush takes credit?

Bush and his spinmeisters will

Self-congratulate madly until

Someone with a brain

Remembers Mark Twain:

"God cures, and the doc sends the bill."

29 Apr 2002

Wisdom from the Dallas Cowboys of yesteryear

There once was a lineman named Blaine*

Who, preparing for champ'yonship game

Said, tying his shoes,

"It's not win or lose,

It's who's gonna catch all the blame."

29 Apr 2002

Bush endorses mental health "parity"

In a flash of compassionate rarity

Bush says he's for mental health parity

But wait! Does he know

It's not a new show

Poking fun, as in "mental health parody?"

Meantime, the Chamber of Commerce

Is loading and revving its bombers;

The business types say,

"No f***ing way!"

But they're being, I think, false alarmers.

You can bet Karl Rove has a plan

For each businesswoman and -man

So they know come December

That Bush won't remember

Leaving "parity" in the trash can.

30 Apr 2002

Conservative pundits melting down over Brock book

Sullivan, Horowitz, Carlson:

All three seem quite edgy and quarrelsome

They're all acting shocked

Over anecdotes Brock

Telling just how Right-wingers ain't moralsome.

But I think that their real agenda

Is really coun-ter-prop-a-ganda;

They hope to retail

Nit-picky details

To distract us from "Blinded's" true center.

Brock's message is not about gays,

It's about all the myriad ways

The ultra-right forces

Use Scaife's resources

To bring back the auto-da-fe.

30 Apr 2002

Illinois: Jim Ryan says George Ryan should quit

For decades since time immemorial

The Gop's chosen gubernatorial

Candidate boys

Have won Illinois

But this might be the year purgatorial.

George Ryan, the reigning incumbent

Has proven quite mor'ly repugnant;

He let his aides handle

The truck-license scandal

While he just took money, recumbent.

So GOP hopeful Jim Ryan

Who sees that his prospects are dyin'

Says, "George ought to quit

So folks will forget

How much he deserves crucifyin'."

30 Apr 2002

White House backtracking on student loan proposal

Students who borrow for college

Should emerge from this week with this knowledge--

If you need student loans

You'd be on your own

After Bush had the program demolished.